A lot of things had happened since my last entry. And I think I owe it to myself that I post a new entry and just let myself ramble. I have always planned on blogging but never have pursued it. And I found the reason why through a book:
"My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations" -The Fault in our Stars
My life lately is a bit of a blur. I don't know where to go... what to do... what I want (to be)... It's really darkness. I am just one of the many people going with the flow and unsure of what to do next. I am not even sure if I will be able to finish this entry.. That is how messed up my life is.
But of course, it's not always darkness. There is a bit of light.
I am very thankful for the friends that I have: the old and trusted and; the new and gay. They kept me grounded and hopeful of things that can happen if only I started to believe. They are my source of happiness. They are the ones who challenged me to be better.
In the opening of 2013, I believe I was the better version of myself. Probably has something to do with the new year vibe. Nonetheless, I felt much much better. It wasn't perfect.. (it will never be) but I was contented with was going on with my life. Until the announcement.
It's the circle of life. And my circle is turning a bit fast.
My boss told me mid-January that we needed to catch up about the resiliency program at work. Then she told me, we are migrating the process to India this March.
I was shocked. This is where my life started to be a bit fucked up. And I declared to my closest friends that I am officially having a quarter-life crisis.
This is the time I started to think about other opportunities because after India what are the possibilities? I started to doubt my capabilities. I was being hard on myself. And of course, how could I leave my insecurities which are always there since college?
I am lost. I started to feel heavy about everything. Until now I am dragging myself to work.. and I only found out the reason why this morning: because I am being emotional on the migration and that we will no longer be a team after a few months.
It's hard to continue something when you know it will end.
With all this happening, the idea of changing career has become attractive to me because I cannot see myself anywhere with DKS aside from my current team. But of course, that is just me exaggerating it a bit caused by overwhelming emotions. The airline and culinary path are top 2 of my prospects if and when I change my career. Other companies such as Unilever and Kraft are also considered. But... BUT.
I AM UNSURE.
Unsure of the things I really want. I am careful with every decision because I do not want to waste my time figuring out what I am destined to do. I want to spend doing what I meant to be doing.
That's why, everything is ON PAUSE. I do not want to do anything yet. I want to think about it. Talk to people who knows me well and who has accomplished so much.
Probably, another thing that I owe to myself (aside from this blog entry) is to believe on the things I can do and to forgive myself on things I can't do. That might help to change that status from pause to having the time of my life.
