Who wouldn't want to honed in one of the best institutions? Who wouldn't want to excel and make their parents proud? It has been my dream to receive an academic award. I've been wanting to prove to myself that I, too, can do extraordinary things. But my college years didn't come along my way. The first trimesters were all about adjustments and it was tough. My new found friends have helped me through.They were my constant reminder that college would be just fine. For the most part, it was fine but I couldn't just control everything and have things done my way. After shifting, I had to go through adjustments yet again. I was alone most of the time. But I had to say I was so proud of myself. There were times that I will be getting higher scores than everyone else and I will give myself a tap at the back. I was a consistent dean's lister for my second year (the supposed adjustment year since I was a shiftee). I continued to surprise myself by having to see myself on that list after second year. Then I told myself, I can make things happen. I worked much harder knowing that I have that chance for that award. There were several times I had to say 'no' to my friends and to my family. There were a lot of times I was sick. But I knew that I was working on something great... something that would really make me and those people I love happy.
But things again didn't go as planned. There were circumstances on which I do not understand why God would let things happen that way. I was slowly going back to where I started but I didn't lose hope. But despite of this hope I was falling apart. The last term was my final ticket and it was a make or break moment as I was about to know my grades for the last two subjects: one elective (FINMERG) and practicum. I was almost there. In fact, I was able to reach the quota in my earlier terms. Thesis got f*cked up because of one professor. Everything else were perfectly great. My last term was such a tiring one for me. This was the time I started admiring working students. My work was supposed to be from 8-5 but most of the time I stayed up late when I do not have tuesday and thursday class which was from 740-910. The latest that I was at the office was 10:30. The work was relatively easy but the load was heavy. My class on the other hand was not an easy one. One has to work his ass off to get a good grade. Also the professor was expecting too much because most of us were graduating. With this set-up, there were times I would just breakdown because I was so exhausted. I wasn't able to give my utmost best. But I still believed I could make it...
On the day of the posting of the grades, I didn't check mine yet. Nor did I go to school for consultation. While I was waiting for the simbang gabi a friend texted me that the grades are posted for FINMERG. She asked me if I wanted to know what my grade was and I told her yes. And there I knew my grade. BUT, I was still hoping that it could happen as I wasn't able to compute the grade I needed to be able to reach that spot. Later, I checked it. And from there, I stopped believing.
I had to contain myself because it was the Christmas season. I didn't want to tell my parents then because I didn't know how. I was so used to telling them good news. Though they keep telling us, their children, that as long as we give our all, it would be just great for them. But I kept the bad news until the week before our graduation. I even told them in the most casual way, "o, wala akong award ah..". I was telling them this with a fake smile on my face. But it was breaking my heart.
College recognition rites practice came and I was so hesitant to attend. But I had to since my friends were there. We were practicing and someone asked "o yung may mga awards jan". I was about to cry especially when I texted my parents and told them that I wasn't happy being there. That moment was a reminder that I wasn't able to make it. It was my last chance for this lifelong dream and I blew it.
Though I am still hurting, I was able to realize through the homily during the baccalaureate mass and the speech given by one of the graduates that we are not measured by the things we have harvested rather by the seed we have planted. In this world, awards may at times be a measurement of success but what is truly important is how we have changed for the better and have inspired others. As a graduation gift and perhaps something that will take my mind away from the things that hurt, He gave me this invitation to my Alma mater, St. Scholastica's Academy, to talk to aspiring leaders. This, I believe, is the start of a much better reality far away from the dream that didn't come true.
Even if I wasn't able to pin something on my graduation, I was able to dressed up, wore my toga and cap and put that tassel to my left.
:) graduating, in itself, is feat. :P:P
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