Love.

Abstract. Mushy. Happiness. Complicated. Tough. Surreal.

Him.

~

Have you come to the point that you wanted to blog but when you open your laptop nothing comes out? That is either you having so much thoughts in your head and you don't know where and how to start or you have a blank mind and you just want to fill it up through blogging. Probably, I am the latter. 

My mind is blank (or it has always been blank and only realized it now that it is). I don't know if it has something to do with being away from home for the first time without your family and/or being away from him  just about when I agreed to be his girlfriend. 

It sucks.

Just yesterday, it was his birthday. His 24th. And I am far away from him. I got the taste of being in a long distance relationship. Though it's just a 2.5-hour time difference, it still matters. Probably just to me because I was NEVER a fan of long distance relationship and having said that I am the type who values physical time together. I like hugging. I like holding hands. I like seeing the person I love (not through skype or facetime) and tell him what I feel. 

~

God is really good. Way before we were all born, He already knows how our life is going to be. I don't know how my life was planned by God but what I know is it's just basically a combination of gifts and "punishments" in different forms. He has given us the free will so that is where the how-we-play-game comes into picture. It's either we make something good out of the combination or we ruin it and throw our life away. But life isn't perfect. That is how He designed it to be. Sometimes, gifts are unappreciated and "punishments" are learned the wrong way. 

Just recently, I was able to receive a gift in a form of a man. I don't know God's plan on this but I trust Him.

The timing of the gift is both perfect and imperfect. Perfect in such a way that I was better, it was New Year, and I wasn't expecting. Imperfect that I am trying to figure out what I am going to do for the rest of my life. 

I received this gift last January 10, 2013. It was boxed and tied in ribbon since May 19, 1989. 

It was such a wonderful gift. It was something I really prayed for. 

Though the untying of the ribbon and opening of the box was easy. Getting the gift outside the box wasn't. There were a lot of doubts... mostly about myself. I didn't know if I was ready. I didn't know if he is really the gift or still the punishment (or as he often calls it, a lesson). I was too careful. I was being too logical about my decision. I even told myself that I believe that I have had enough dose of pain from my previous relationship.

But pain is inevitable. It's part of the game. Only death can end it. 

That's when I decided to reevaluate how I make my decisions and to remind myself that there is no perfect situation. 

He's almost perfect. But human nature will, of course, want for more. Plus being the pessimistic and realistic that I am, I tend to see things in the way that I will be able to manage expectations. That's how I play my game. 

So what made me take out the gift outside box? Simple. I prayed and realized that he is more than a gift to me. He is a blessing.

I love that he is making me light even if I know that it's hell on his side of life. 

I love that he is very positive. 

I love that he can be both a boy and a man.

I love that he makes time.

I love that he's traditional and unconventional at the same time.

I love that he pushes himself to the limit and I love that I am pulling him away when he's gone beyond his limit. 

I love that we share the same interests on sports (and how great he is on every sport).

I love that he is very inexperienced with food.

I love how protective he is as a brother.

I love that he respect my parents.

I love that he's an average who does exceptional things.

I love the way he looks (even though I didn't believe at first that he is really good looking when I saw his photo).

I love how he holds my hand and waffles it. 

I love how he takes me on dates and copies ideas from movies because he admits that he doesn't know how to do dates.

I love it when I hugged him and he wants to hug longer.

I love that we plan our time together.

I love that he made a scrapbook and made me answer a lot of things including the question of asking me to be his girlfriend.

I love how our first kiss went and I couldn't let him go.

I love that he is my gift.

I love that he is a blessing.

The list can go on. The listing off can also stop for a while. It may be due to petty fights, misunderstandings or heated arguments. But it will be a game I am willing to play with him. 

It's true when they say, it's not about finding love... but loving what you found. In this case, loving what was given. 

~

To Ayel, belated happy 24th birthday! You know that I will always love you.