The SELFIE Project

My thoughts are everywhere. But I know to myself that I really really want to write tonight.

I was inspired by an unconventional graduation speech by Jon Lovett and by an article by Tania Kotsos.

LINK: http://12160.info/video/obama-s-speechwriter-stand-up-comedian-gives-a-graduation-speech or    http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2013/05/life-lessons-in-fighting-the-culture-of-bullshit/276030/

LINK: http://www.mind-your-reality.com/comparing_yourself_to_others.html#Part_2

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I just got promoted two days ago. It feels really good to have achieved something you have worked so hard for. I know I truly deserve this promotion. It is due time that I be paid off for the hardwork I have been putting through in my work.

Aside from my manager and my supervisor, the number of people who knows about my promotion is less than 5. Not the typical standard procedure whenever I have good news. I have always told my friends that it brings me so much joy to share good things about myself to other people, most especially to my parents. I remember it vividly, that I told this to one of my closest friends in college, while we were crossing the streets that I always tell my parents right away whenever I have good news. My reason for that is because they deserve to know first whatever good news that I have. And also, I have always wanted to make my parents proud even on the smallest achievements.

But it’s only now that I realize that, it is more than making my parents proud or making other people happy for me. It is about my self-worth. All my life, I have always lived on the approval of other people. It always makes me feel good whenever I am complimented on a job well done. I always compare if what I have achieved will measure up to what others have achieved. Though I know to myself that there will always be people better than me, it did not stop me to unconsciously live on how other people would think of me. This is might have been the cause of my insecurities.

My self-insecurities started when I was in college. It was a bigger world. It was true when Jon Lovett said on his speech that the world we live on right now may seem big but will eventually be smaller as we mature and step on bigger (and more complicated) worlds. That was what happened during my transition from high school to college. High school was simply the best for me. I was doing well in my academics and I was insanely active in co-curricular activities. I was part of the first section of our batch, was one of the best volleyball players of my team, was the vice-president of the student council, was admired by my batchmates, etc. College is a different story. I thought that what I had in college would suffice to bring me up to my expectations. It wasn’t. This is where I started doubting myself. There were so many people who were so much better… so many people who had more experience… so many people who brought my self-confidence level down to negative level times infinity.

Self-insecurities wouldn’t have happened if I never compared myself to others. I wouldn’t have beaten up myself too much. I could have forgiven myself a little and accepted my flaws.

But it is never too late. I can change. I can try.

Living a life that depends on the approval of other people is BULLSHIT. It’s hard, complicated and unlivable. I don’t know how I went on for 22 years living this way. Such kind of life can also equate to being safe, which is defines my existence actually. Nothing wrong with being safe but it’s also good to take risks and let those lead you to somewhere you never thought you will – good or bad. If it is good, then you can now be safe with that. If it is bad, then lesson learned. Either way we get something from it – it is just a matter of how we deal with it.

I don’t want to always get the approval of others to be happy and for me to define my success I don’t want to be always safe. I want to live a life that will really measure up true happiness. I want a life that is not decided on what is safe but on what is best. I want to not always care about what others has to say – it’s their opinion, they are entitled to it. I want to exhaust my capabilities knowing that it is sourced from belief in oneself.

BELIEVE – this I have to stick to my head. It’s a tough change but I will sure get there.

My new (and upgraded) position is a challenge more than enough. But I am stepping up my game to add more challenges and that is to improve oneself – less insecurities + more happiness = inner peace.