It was never easy.

Never did I imagine myself being in this kind of situation. On the contrary, I have always dreamed about getting it right. Perfection is a state that is a big blurr for me. It was never perfect. It was never easy. It is just love.

I got to my tipping point last night. It was the battle between peace of mind and happiness. In my life right now these two have different meaning. For some it may be achieving peace of mind first before experiencing true happiness. I don't know if that is the answer I am looking for. It is hard when two important people are involved.

Compromise. The best (temporary) solution for this kind of situation. Though it will also promise a temporary solution. It is the safety net of making ends meet. At the end of the day, it is either you give up or the other person will. 

I do not want to decide. I do not want to choose.

There is a solution to all of these things but it is not entirely in my hands. Close friends have been giving me the same piece of advice: fight for it. I wish it was that easy. It will never be. Who has the courage to stand up for something when you know the other person has already made up his/her mind? I could never win with that. And who has the courage to go against the will of someone who brought me up to being who and where I am right now? They gave me almost everything and invested in me and in return they deserve the respect and love from me.

On the other hand, who would want to give up someone whom you love so much? I was never comfortable around guys. But with him, it was easy and so natural. I could never give that up. He is the guy best friend I never had and I want to keep him for as long as I can.

It is romantic and funny at the same time (or others might think of it as me just being so in love) that I have thought of the main qualification for someone I will be with for the rest of my life when I got to be with him. And that qualification is that we would be able to talk anything and everything without boring ourselves, after all, when our hair starts to turn gray, it would back to where we started-just the two of us. And when that happens I would want to survive with genuine happiness in my heart. And right now, I believe that is him.

It was never easy...

Right now, I go on with just keeping things to myself. Yes, I have been lying. I am feeling the guilt everyday. Moreso when I have someone who would ask me questions regarding the things I am not supposed to tell. Most of the time, I would just laugh about it and go easy about it. I do not want to dwell too much on it because I am still hoping that in due time things will fall into place. Truth is, I don't it will and I am immensely hurting.

I could not just settle into such mess. I do not want to go on pretending that everything is okay when it isn't. It is tiring. Last night, my guards went down and I cried. It is hard to hear words you never expected from someone you respect, especially when she brought me up instilling in me and us her children that whoever we love as long as he is responsible will be okay for her. Nothing is okay. I fell into this shithole and I do not know what to do.

All I know right now is that I am stuck in between and choosing is not an option.
I know what I want and I want to keep them both. I pray that she (they) will realize that my love and his love is real... that he is the person she (they) would want for me if only she (they) will take a chance of truly knowing him.

I know my mistake with this whole story is that I lied. But that is just it. It is the only way to compromise. Someone even told me that I should not be afraid of my parents because it is only natural to experience such things with this age-falling in love. I never planned it to happened. He just came and he made me happy. I just fell in love with a guy who I think is perfect for me.

I just didn't realize that it wouldn't be easy.