An open letter

Dear Ben,

I know I have written so many letters (or I thought I have) and have sent you several text messages. I thought that was enough... Sadly it isn't. Especially now with our situation: WE FREAKING SIT IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER!

It isn't our fault. It isn't anybody's fault. That is how things should be. The big bosses cannot just rearrange everything just because we sit near each other. When we are together, we agreed that we'll get through it. We will deal with it professionally. Nobody can say anything bad about us or about the work we do. We said we'll prove to them work is work and play is play.

We got through it... together. How about now that we are over? 

TRAGIC.

Thank God for my 7-day break. I need a break from all the pretending that I do especially when I am in the office. Hindi ko na kaya ung nandiyan ka lang sa tapat ko at nadidinig kita. I really can't help it when I hear you laugh. I feel like everything is okay in your life ... that nothing happened. 

Hindi ko na rin kaya yung kapag tatayo ka, I have to put my head a little lower just so I can't see you. I admit, parang tanga lang ako. 

I rarely use my phone for music... but now you will see me most of the time with my earphones on and the loudest music possible just so I could not hear you. 

There were also a lot of times when our eyes would meet for. unknown reason and we will both look away. Soooo awkward. 

And the last and the best of them all? Kate, our very boss, has put us in one project together. GREAT. And that one day we had to present to her and the other bosses was just so uneasy for me. Ooops! How can I forget, when I returned the rosary you gave me... the rosary you told me has helped you a lot.. the rosary you gave me because I lost mine... I thought you'd message me about that when I saw a message notification from you. And then, what did I see? It was about you asking for our presentation. Terrific! 

From then on, I thought to myself... Work and work alone will be the only reason to talk to you again. Nothing more. 

That's how I have been since we broke up. I know you are not at your best too. But I know you'll be fine soon. I just hope that when that time comes and you have a new person in your life, I am happy already... because I do not think I can be happy for you when I am not... especially when you are the reason.

I still look at our photos often. I look at them every night. Cliche. Melodramatic. I know. But I just let myself because I have done so much pretending in the office. Perhaps, I could forgive myself for doing that when I am alone. 

I have been trying to convince myself that we have made a right decision. There are times that the logical person in me would rationalize that it's the best for our situation. But there are also times when I just miss you and think of this decision as one of my stupidest. There are several times that I want to send you a text message. But I have learned control. Maybe it is in this age and time that I have to depend less on my emotions because most of the time emotions bring me to nothing but pain. 

This open letter is a slip from my 7-day time away (from you). I have promised myself to be better. But that doesn't mean it would be perfect. It's difficult to let go, Ben. Ika nga, first love e. I was really sure then that we will be together for a long time. But I never thought my parents would be a factor. After all, they told me as long as I finish school and the guy I will be with is responsible and God-fearing then they are fine with it. 

Shit really happens. 

Anyway, just wanted you to know that I really want you to choose the other option... the option wherein we wouldn't be in this situation. But it's just fair that I made you choose because I know we are in a difficult situation and I do not want you to be affected by all of the crap my parents tell me about you. Siguro, napili mo rin yun kasi nahihirapan ka na at nakikita mong nahihirapan na ako. But always keep in mind na gusto kitang ipaglaban. It's just that, hindi ako ung type na nagrerebelde sa magulang. And I know you don't want me to be like that just because I have this relationship. I want to fight for you. But I know that whatever I say to them, they will just hear words from someone who hasn't proved anything yet. Ang tingin nila sakin, bata pa. Wala pang alam sa mundo. Sabi ko nga kay Tel, I will fight for you. But not now. It's not an option for us yet. And you know I tried, right? And it doesn't make things any better, either sa atin or sa magulang ko. Bottomline is, I believe in the love that we have to fight for it. But there are things that needs ironing out.

I don't know if we would still end up together. Daddy told me "Kung kayo talaga, magiging kayo...". Well, let us see what happens. We did our best. Let us see what time can do for us. 

I know in my heart I still love you. And what we had is not something I can just throw away. 

It's not easy. Never was. 

I miss you everyday. 

Love,
Krizia