OFW blogpost

Totoo po ang bali-balita... Overseas Filipino Worker po ako ng isang buwan dito sa India.

~

Definitely such a great experience! I am just on my second year of work and an opportunity opened up for me to transfer our processes to another country. Sure, it's not a first world country but it is still an experience worth having.

I was excited when, finally, the dates have been set for our business trip. Told my parents about it and surprisingly the word has spread almost instantaneously to my relatives. Think they are more excited than I am. Well, except my dad. He has been here for an overnight stopover and he could not say anything good about his stay. STILL, it's a business trip. EVERYTHING IS PAID FOR (AND WE HAVE ALLOWANCE (YAAAAY)) SO IT'S NOT BAD AFTER ALL! 

We've been here in Mumbai almost 3 weeks now. And I think that's my limit. I already miss home. We have a planned trip to Delhi and I am much more excited to go home. 

Though I will surely miss how pampered our life is at the hotel. We all each got standard rooms in a 5-star hotel which, of course, comes with breakfast and dinner buffet, car service, use of pool, gym, and hot tub. The first nights, whenever I am tucking in myself to my extra spacious bed (that I only use half of it), I  say to myself: "This must be how the other half lives.. (with extra curse words to emphasize the emotion). I also do not have to worry about cleaning the room and doing my laundry because they are also taken care of. And it feels so good that after a long day of training, you go home to a made bed and fresh clothes. HOW FREAKING AWESOME IS THAT? I just wish it's also like this back home.. that I do not have to worry about household chores (and pay my bills!). But then again, I do not have 8000 rupees to spare everyday.

Hotel is probably the best thing that could happen to someone who's visiting India. I remembered one conversation with a guest in a hotel where he was asking us if we are on a business trip or just visiting. Here is how the conversation went:

Singaporean: Hi! What country are you guys from?
Filipinos: We are from the Philippines. You?
Singaporean: Singapore. Are you here for pleasure or business?
Filipinos: We are on a business trip for a month. You?
Singaporean: *Laughing* Business also! Nobody goes here for pleasure!
Filipinos: YOU ARE MEAN!

We ended up laughing about what he said. We all thought that the best thing about our trip is the hotel. India is much like the Philippines, only hotter and much more populated. But that is coming from someone who has only been in Mumbai. A friend has told me that there are beautiful places in India that she has been to. But probably that is too far from where we are staying. Mumbai is like Manila... crowded and noisy. One will be surprised at how often the honks of the car are used here in the city. It is such a pain in the ears. But that is an experience we have to have to say that we have been to the Incredible India! 

I am coming back home in 9 days! And I cannot wait!  I am excited to see all the people that I have been missing. I can't wait to devour sinigang na baboy (na superkaduper asim with superkaduper daming kangkong). Oh God. That might have seemed that I am excited about the sinigang na baboy Hahahaha!

Those 9 days will probably the longest 9 days of my life. I maybe coming home to almost the same situation as that of India but at least the people I love (and the food I crave) are all there. Tama nga sabi ni daddy, "Naku Kim, mahahalikan mo ang lupa ng Pilipinas pag-uwi mo". I say... "Yes, probably.. we'll see!".

See you soon Manila!  : )

~

Through this trip, I now appreciate OFWs even more.

My dad used to be an OFWs until he retired 6 years ago. He's an architect for an international company in China for 10 years (or so). But before that he used to work in Saudi for 20 years also for the same company. Most of his prime years were spent outside his home... away from his family. I now appreciate this fact more than ever... how he has braved everything so we can have a living. It is really true that OFWs are our modern day heroes. 

Marketing Oneself.

Never have I enjoyed marketing. I don't dislike it but I don't like it either. 

Marketing is the like learning concepts and theories inside a classroom. They are intangible... just words that you have to understand and later on apply. I was never a fan of it. I have always preferred learning things in the most practical way - which is doing it on the job. Therefore, rather than a person giving me sales talk about a product I would rather have his mouth shut and just let me try the product. (Probably the reason why I have always loved sample products). It gives you the real deal. No fake promises. No fancy and big words. 

But today, I had to do a little bit of marketing. I had to sell myself today to my manager. But I think the situation is a bit different. Because this manager has already seen the product (which is me) and how it (in this case, I) work. So, it's more of proving oneself that you can do more. So yeah, I guess still marketing.

I do not have the best words for myself. It took me a lot of time to prepare for me to have something to write on my notes. It was crazy. It was so HARD. Nothing comes out of my head. And when I try to do a mock interview, I was stuttering. But I had to overcome it if I really want to this... THIS PROMOTION.

DB promotion is really crucial. I just learned now that in Mumbai branch the process is even more rigorous compared to what we have in Manila. But Manila, as it is, is really hard especially when one would compare it to other service centers or even to other banks. People don't just get promoted because they are good or they've done better. They are getting promoted because they have done the best. Competition is really intense. And one has to always keep up his/her game.

To be promoted, I have to undergo 2 interviews. One just happened a few hours ago. I was interviewed in Mumbai. There was a little bit of pressure especially during the preparation part of the process as I was also doing migration of the process.

INTERVIEWS. Selling myself. Proving that I fit for the job. OH MY.

But I had to do it. I do believe I truly deserve this promotion. I had to sell myself. 

There were a lot of evaluation that had happened. I had to reflect and ponder on the things I have done over the past two years in the Bank... what went well and what could have done better. Those are the two basic questions that could branch into so many answers.

It wasn't easy. The perception of oneself against another person will certainly differ, and selling oneself (through an interview)can reconcile this two together. Three important things to remember in every marketing task: TRUTH, FATIH and CONFIDENCE.

TRUTH: Probably one of the reasons why I don't believe in marketing (at least for product marketing) is that most people doing it talk bullshit. In selling oneself, one has to only talk about the truth. No masks. No fake promises. One may have goal such as high sales or in my case be promoted but you can't never get it by lying.   Always...always speak about the truth. Because it will certainly get back at you when you lie.

FAITH. One has to believe in whatever he/she is selling to make other people believe also that the product could work (or whatever it is the product can do). It will certainly manifest how a person believes on something/someone when he/she sells it. But if this isn't the case, then whatever you are trying to achieve, you are screwing it up.

CONFIDENCE. Once you have the first two, this last one should be easy. Show people that whatever you are trying to achieve, you are ready for it.

Oh one last thing... PRAY. Never ever doubt the power of prayer. Gives you just the right amount of push to start/continue the game. 

The first three things are easier said than done. You will get nervous that you are sick to your stomach. But you get nervous for two things: One is when you didn't prepare at all and second is you have done your best and you think something might go wrong. I believe what happened to me in my interview was the latter. But, being nervous is a good thing. It means it will lead you into something important. It matters to you that much that your heart gets all excited and pumps blood faster. I guess that is how it is. 

~

Now, the selling of oneself is almost done. It's now the evaluation. Where do I go? How do I feel? 

Pray. Believe. 

Half of what I have to go through is almost over. 

Love.

Abstract. Mushy. Happiness. Complicated. Tough. Surreal.

Him.

~

Have you come to the point that you wanted to blog but when you open your laptop nothing comes out? That is either you having so much thoughts in your head and you don't know where and how to start or you have a blank mind and you just want to fill it up through blogging. Probably, I am the latter. 

My mind is blank (or it has always been blank and only realized it now that it is). I don't know if it has something to do with being away from home for the first time without your family and/or being away from him  just about when I agreed to be his girlfriend. 

It sucks.

Just yesterday, it was his birthday. His 24th. And I am far away from him. I got the taste of being in a long distance relationship. Though it's just a 2.5-hour time difference, it still matters. Probably just to me because I was NEVER a fan of long distance relationship and having said that I am the type who values physical time together. I like hugging. I like holding hands. I like seeing the person I love (not through skype or facetime) and tell him what I feel. 

~

God is really good. Way before we were all born, He already knows how our life is going to be. I don't know how my life was planned by God but what I know is it's just basically a combination of gifts and "punishments" in different forms. He has given us the free will so that is where the how-we-play-game comes into picture. It's either we make something good out of the combination or we ruin it and throw our life away. But life isn't perfect. That is how He designed it to be. Sometimes, gifts are unappreciated and "punishments" are learned the wrong way. 

Just recently, I was able to receive a gift in a form of a man. I don't know God's plan on this but I trust Him.

The timing of the gift is both perfect and imperfect. Perfect in such a way that I was better, it was New Year, and I wasn't expecting. Imperfect that I am trying to figure out what I am going to do for the rest of my life. 

I received this gift last January 10, 2013. It was boxed and tied in ribbon since May 19, 1989. 

It was such a wonderful gift. It was something I really prayed for. 

Though the untying of the ribbon and opening of the box was easy. Getting the gift outside the box wasn't. There were a lot of doubts... mostly about myself. I didn't know if I was ready. I didn't know if he is really the gift or still the punishment (or as he often calls it, a lesson). I was too careful. I was being too logical about my decision. I even told myself that I believe that I have had enough dose of pain from my previous relationship.

But pain is inevitable. It's part of the game. Only death can end it. 

That's when I decided to reevaluate how I make my decisions and to remind myself that there is no perfect situation. 

He's almost perfect. But human nature will, of course, want for more. Plus being the pessimistic and realistic that I am, I tend to see things in the way that I will be able to manage expectations. That's how I play my game. 

So what made me take out the gift outside box? Simple. I prayed and realized that he is more than a gift to me. He is a blessing.

I love that he is making me light even if I know that it's hell on his side of life. 

I love that he is very positive. 

I love that he can be both a boy and a man.

I love that he makes time.

I love that he's traditional and unconventional at the same time.

I love that he pushes himself to the limit and I love that I am pulling him away when he's gone beyond his limit. 

I love that we share the same interests on sports (and how great he is on every sport).

I love that he is very inexperienced with food.

I love how protective he is as a brother.

I love that he respect my parents.

I love that he's an average who does exceptional things.

I love the way he looks (even though I didn't believe at first that he is really good looking when I saw his photo).

I love how he holds my hand and waffles it. 

I love how he takes me on dates and copies ideas from movies because he admits that he doesn't know how to do dates.

I love it when I hugged him and he wants to hug longer.

I love that we plan our time together.

I love that he made a scrapbook and made me answer a lot of things including the question of asking me to be his girlfriend.

I love how our first kiss went and I couldn't let him go.

I love that he is my gift.

I love that he is a blessing.

The list can go on. The listing off can also stop for a while. It may be due to petty fights, misunderstandings or heated arguments. But it will be a game I am willing to play with him. 

It's true when they say, it's not about finding love... but loving what you found. In this case, loving what was given. 

~

To Ayel, belated happy 24th birthday! You know that I will always love you. 

On Pause.

A lot of things had happened since my last entry. And I think I owe it to myself that I post a new entry and just let myself ramble.  I have always planned on blogging but never have pursued it. And I found the reason why through a book:

"My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations" -The Fault in our Stars

My life lately is a bit of a blur. I don't know where to go... what to do... what I want (to be)... It's really darkness. I am just one of the many people going with the flow and unsure of what to do next. I am not even sure if I will be able to finish this entry.. That is how messed up my life is. 

But of course, it's not always darkness. There is a bit of light.

I am very thankful for the friends that I have: the old and trusted and; the new and gay. They kept me grounded and hopeful of things that can happen if only I started to believe. They are my source of happiness. They are the ones who challenged me to be better. 

In the opening of 2013, I believe I was the better version of myself. Probably has something to do with the new year vibe. Nonetheless, I felt much much better.  It wasn't perfect.. (it will never be) but I was contented with was going on with my life. Until the announcement. 

It's the circle of life. And my circle is turning a bit fast.

My boss told me mid-January that we needed to catch up about the resiliency program at work. Then she told me, we are migrating the process to India this March.

I was shocked. This is where my life started to be a bit fucked up. And I declared to my closest friends that I am officially having a quarter-life crisis.

This is the time I started to think about other opportunities because after India what are the possibilities? I started to doubt my capabilities. I was being hard on myself. And of course, how could I leave my insecurities which are always there since college?

I am lost. I started to feel heavy about everything. Until now I am dragging myself to work.. and I only found out the reason why this morning: because I am being emotional on the migration and that we will no longer be a team after a few months.

It's hard to continue something when you know it will end. 

With all this happening, the idea of changing career has become attractive to me because I cannot see myself anywhere with DKS aside from my current team. But of course, that is just me exaggerating it a bit caused by overwhelming emotions. The airline and culinary path are top 2 of my prospects if and when I change my career. Other companies such as Unilever and Kraft are also considered. But... BUT. 

I AM UNSURE. 

Unsure of the things I really want. I am careful with every decision because I do not want to waste my time figuring out what I am destined to do. I want to spend doing what I meant to be doing.

That's why, everything is ON PAUSE. I do not want to do anything yet. I want to think about it. Talk to people who knows me well and who has accomplished so much. 

Probably, another thing that I owe to myself (aside from this blog entry) is to believe on the things I can do and to forgive myself on things I can't do. That might help to change that status from pause to having the time of my life. 

It has to be.

Things have to fall apart.
Hearts have to be broken.

Anger and sadness should win over hopes.

You have to cry.
You have to get mad.

What I want

I was never confident about how I look. But there will always be people who will appreciate what I have. 

Well, first on the few people on the list is my mom. Galing ako sa kanya e! She has no choice! Pag sinabi niyang pangit ako, aba e pangit din siya. 

But after my mom, mostly are my family and friends which is quite expected. 

I do not see myself as someone na pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa. Hindi ako pangit. But I am not THAT beautiful. I will always be jealous of other people who are THAT beautiful.

So how do I define beautiful? 

1. Good skin. I believe that even if you are not that beautiful, when you have a good skin then you are okay. In our family, we are not blessed with a skin na tipong wala ng pores. I have always wanted that... yung parang phinotoshop (reduce noise and effect hahaha!). ;)

2. Healthy and toned body. This is quite hard to achieve since I am no fan of exercise. But I have given it a shot and I hope I will have enough determination to achieve my goal. Gusto ko pang pumayat. I want to lose all my unwanted flabs. They are everywhere but mostly on my face, tummy and arms. 

I don't aspire to have a model-like body (pero kung pwede why not but I know it's not my body frame). A beautiful person should have the right amount of curves.

3. Intelligent mind. I am always in awe whenever I meet a person who thinks well. I always find them beautiful. I am no Einstein but I would like to think that I am smart and wise. There are different kinds of intelligence and I believe I have the average amount of all kinds. 

I am a bit curious. I ask questions. But I have always wished for a more intellectual mind. Yung tipong tumatop ng board. Hahahaha! Kidding! But yeah, this is is the one thing I have always wanted. Lagi kong iniisip, sana mas matalino pa ako. 

4. Kind heart. Nothing is more beautiful than a person with a kind heart. When you have such kind of heart, I believe it will show in your body. Gumaganda ka. Gumagwapo ka. And I believe a kind heart will most of the time equate to a happy heart. And happiness makes everyone beautiful! :)


I always wanted more for myself. It's human nature. If I go to the specifics of what I want to improve baka maging nobela na ito. But wanting something will not be yours until you work for it. Hindi pwedeng gusto lang. There should be the drive and the commitment to achieve what you want. 

Define it. Be specific. I always remember one of my professors in college when she told us about how she prays and asks to God. She told us to be specific... sabi niya kung gusto ninyo ng 100% sa exam ninyo sabihin ninyo sa Kanya. In that way, one would know what s/he really wants. When you know it, it will be much easier to plan on how to get it. 

I will be beautiful. I am working on it. I planned and I want it. ;)

An open letter

Dear Ben,

I know I have written so many letters (or I thought I have) and have sent you several text messages. I thought that was enough... Sadly it isn't. Especially now with our situation: WE FREAKING SIT IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER!

It isn't our fault. It isn't anybody's fault. That is how things should be. The big bosses cannot just rearrange everything just because we sit near each other. When we are together, we agreed that we'll get through it. We will deal with it professionally. Nobody can say anything bad about us or about the work we do. We said we'll prove to them work is work and play is play.

We got through it... together. How about now that we are over? 

TRAGIC.

Thank God for my 7-day break. I need a break from all the pretending that I do especially when I am in the office. Hindi ko na kaya ung nandiyan ka lang sa tapat ko at nadidinig kita. I really can't help it when I hear you laugh. I feel like everything is okay in your life ... that nothing happened. 

Hindi ko na rin kaya yung kapag tatayo ka, I have to put my head a little lower just so I can't see you. I admit, parang tanga lang ako. 

I rarely use my phone for music... but now you will see me most of the time with my earphones on and the loudest music possible just so I could not hear you. 

There were also a lot of times when our eyes would meet for. unknown reason and we will both look away. Soooo awkward. 

And the last and the best of them all? Kate, our very boss, has put us in one project together. GREAT. And that one day we had to present to her and the other bosses was just so uneasy for me. Ooops! How can I forget, when I returned the rosary you gave me... the rosary you told me has helped you a lot.. the rosary you gave me because I lost mine... I thought you'd message me about that when I saw a message notification from you. And then, what did I see? It was about you asking for our presentation. Terrific! 

From then on, I thought to myself... Work and work alone will be the only reason to talk to you again. Nothing more. 

That's how I have been since we broke up. I know you are not at your best too. But I know you'll be fine soon. I just hope that when that time comes and you have a new person in your life, I am happy already... because I do not think I can be happy for you when I am not... especially when you are the reason.

I still look at our photos often. I look at them every night. Cliche. Melodramatic. I know. But I just let myself because I have done so much pretending in the office. Perhaps, I could forgive myself for doing that when I am alone. 

I have been trying to convince myself that we have made a right decision. There are times that the logical person in me would rationalize that it's the best for our situation. But there are also times when I just miss you and think of this decision as one of my stupidest. There are several times that I want to send you a text message. But I have learned control. Maybe it is in this age and time that I have to depend less on my emotions because most of the time emotions bring me to nothing but pain. 

This open letter is a slip from my 7-day time away (from you). I have promised myself to be better. But that doesn't mean it would be perfect. It's difficult to let go, Ben. Ika nga, first love e. I was really sure then that we will be together for a long time. But I never thought my parents would be a factor. After all, they told me as long as I finish school and the guy I will be with is responsible and God-fearing then they are fine with it. 

Shit really happens. 

Anyway, just wanted you to know that I really want you to choose the other option... the option wherein we wouldn't be in this situation. But it's just fair that I made you choose because I know we are in a difficult situation and I do not want you to be affected by all of the crap my parents tell me about you. Siguro, napili mo rin yun kasi nahihirapan ka na at nakikita mong nahihirapan na ako. But always keep in mind na gusto kitang ipaglaban. It's just that, hindi ako ung type na nagrerebelde sa magulang. And I know you don't want me to be like that just because I have this relationship. I want to fight for you. But I know that whatever I say to them, they will just hear words from someone who hasn't proved anything yet. Ang tingin nila sakin, bata pa. Wala pang alam sa mundo. Sabi ko nga kay Tel, I will fight for you. But not now. It's not an option for us yet. And you know I tried, right? And it doesn't make things any better, either sa atin or sa magulang ko. Bottomline is, I believe in the love that we have to fight for it. But there are things that needs ironing out.

I don't know if we would still end up together. Daddy told me "Kung kayo talaga, magiging kayo...". Well, let us see what happens. We did our best. Let us see what time can do for us. 

I know in my heart I still love you. And what we had is not something I can just throw away. 

It's not easy. Never was. 

I miss you everyday. 

Love,
Krizia