It was never easy.

Never did I imagine myself being in this kind of situation. On the contrary, I have always dreamed about getting it right. Perfection is a state that is a big blurr for me. It was never perfect. It was never easy. It is just love.

I got to my tipping point last night. It was the battle between peace of mind and happiness. In my life right now these two have different meaning. For some it may be achieving peace of mind first before experiencing true happiness. I don't know if that is the answer I am looking for. It is hard when two important people are involved.

Compromise. The best (temporary) solution for this kind of situation. Though it will also promise a temporary solution. It is the safety net of making ends meet. At the end of the day, it is either you give up or the other person will. 

I do not want to decide. I do not want to choose.

There is a solution to all of these things but it is not entirely in my hands. Close friends have been giving me the same piece of advice: fight for it. I wish it was that easy. It will never be. Who has the courage to stand up for something when you know the other person has already made up his/her mind? I could never win with that. And who has the courage to go against the will of someone who brought me up to being who and where I am right now? They gave me almost everything and invested in me and in return they deserve the respect and love from me.

On the other hand, who would want to give up someone whom you love so much? I was never comfortable around guys. But with him, it was easy and so natural. I could never give that up. He is the guy best friend I never had and I want to keep him for as long as I can.

It is romantic and funny at the same time (or others might think of it as me just being so in love) that I have thought of the main qualification for someone I will be with for the rest of my life when I got to be with him. And that qualification is that we would be able to talk anything and everything without boring ourselves, after all, when our hair starts to turn gray, it would back to where we started-just the two of us. And when that happens I would want to survive with genuine happiness in my heart. And right now, I believe that is him.

It was never easy...

Right now, I go on with just keeping things to myself. Yes, I have been lying. I am feeling the guilt everyday. Moreso when I have someone who would ask me questions regarding the things I am not supposed to tell. Most of the time, I would just laugh about it and go easy about it. I do not want to dwell too much on it because I am still hoping that in due time things will fall into place. Truth is, I don't it will and I am immensely hurting.

I could not just settle into such mess. I do not want to go on pretending that everything is okay when it isn't. It is tiring. Last night, my guards went down and I cried. It is hard to hear words you never expected from someone you respect, especially when she brought me up instilling in me and us her children that whoever we love as long as he is responsible will be okay for her. Nothing is okay. I fell into this shithole and I do not know what to do.

All I know right now is that I am stuck in between and choosing is not an option.
I know what I want and I want to keep them both. I pray that she (they) will realize that my love and his love is real... that he is the person she (they) would want for me if only she (they) will take a chance of truly knowing him.

I know my mistake with this whole story is that I lied. But that is just it. It is the only way to compromise. Someone even told me that I should not be afraid of my parents because it is only natural to experience such things with this age-falling in love. I never planned it to happened. He just came and he made me happy. I just fell in love with a guy who I think is perfect for me.

I just didn't realize that it wouldn't be easy.

Pagpapayat.

Ang unang tagalog blog. BOW. Trip trip lang. Inaasam na kasing galing ko sumulat si Bob Ong. O baka excuse ko lang ito kasi wala sa mood ang utak ko mag-Ingles. Kung anuman un, wala nang pakialaman basta tagalog ito.

"Bukas na ako magdadiet."

Medyo tapos na ako sa linyang yan. Sa tingin ko lang naman. Pero base sa nakaraang buwan, mas desidido ako ngayon sa pagpapayat. Ano nga ba ang dahilan bakit ako nagpapayat? Marahil ito ay sa frustration ko sa pananamit. Wala na kaya akong kasyang damit. Masasabi kong mas marami na akong damit na pang-opisina kaysa sa mga pangcasual ko lang. Ibig sabihin nito, malaki na ako talaga kasi halos lahat ng mga pangopisina ko ay kelan ko lamang nabili kaya kasya ang mga ito sakin. Nakakalungkot kapag dumadating na ang weekend dahil sa problema ko na naman sa pananamit. Halos lahat masikip. Minsan nagagalit ako sa sarili ko kung bakit ko hinayaang magkaganito ang katawan ko.

Kaya heto ako ngayon at pursigidong magbawas ng timbang. Isang buwan o mahigit na akong hindi naghahapunan. Sinabayan ko pa ito ng pagkain ko ng kalating tasa na lamang ng kanin. Dalawang linggo na siguro un. Ngayon naman, may isinasagawa akong diet na tatagal ng pitong araw. Crash diet raw ito ngunit marami na rin nakapagsabi sa opisina na epektibo raw ito. Isang linggo lang at makakapagbawas ka na ng 10-17 lbs. Naengganyo ako itong subukan. Kahapon nagsimula ang unang araw at masasabi ko namang nakayanan ko ito. Bagamat andun parati ang tukso lalo na kapag mayroon kang naamoy na masarap.

Ngayon, ako ay nasa ikalawang araw na. Kaya ko pa naman. Hindi pa naman ako nahihilo o nanghihina. Nagawa ko pa rin ang trabaho ko nang matiwasay. Ang problema ko lang talaga ay kung kaya ko itong tagalan. Pitong araw lang ngunit mahirap ang kailangang gawin. At ito pa! Sa sabado ay makikipamyesta kami kaya hindi ko alam paano ako sa araw na yun. Pero kaya ito. Nasimulan ko na e! Para sa akin din naman ito. Ang tagal ko ng gustong ibalik ang dati kong katawan. Yung katawan ko nung ako ay naglalaro pa ng volleyball. At gusto ko na ring simulan ang healthy diet dahil kung iisipin, hindi na ako bata para kumain na lang ng basta basta. Gusto ko rin namang mabuhay nang matagal-tagal dahil alam kong marami akong dapat at gustong gawin pa sa buhay.


Tama lamang hindi ba? Kaya lahat ng bagay ay dapat simulan na ngayon. Hindi na pwedeng ipagpabukas. Lahat ng kaya ngayon, ngayon na dapat. Gaya na lamang ng pagpapayat! : D