Broken stilettos

How do you manage broken stilettos when you know there are 100 steps or more that you need to take?

I just got home. After work, I went for a quick run and did some dubbing for our video presentation on FX exposure for ADHOC tasks. Smoked one stick feeling revengeful about what life has been giving me lately especially at work and in my relationship. 

Went home with my old boss, also a good friend. She and her husband dropped me off near our house but I still had to walk round about a quarter of kilometer more. Then, I noticed, my stilettos were giving up. It was a pair that I finally decided to wear after a colleague gave it to me a few months ago. Of course, I had to continue walking to get home. But the damage of the shoes was already getting worse. I was thinking then of getting a cab. But I did not... thinking I will survive it. I had to take several stops before finally getting to my destination. When I was already walking towards our building, the shoes can no longer be used and I could no longer walk in them. I had to stop, remove the shoes, and walk barefooted. This was only just a few steps away towards the building. 

I had to let them go even if it would cause embarrassment. I no longer noticed how many people were looking at me. I could not do anything about it. I had to go home even if it means walking barefooted.

Life is just like that - broken stilettos. You can only push just as much. You have a limit as to where you can bear the pain. And when you have reach that limit, let go. Even if it means ridicules, gossips, etc. There will always be consequences for every action we take. But we should always be ready to take them. 

Letting go also means acceptance; that you are done and ready to take on either a new or more improved way of life. Once we let go, we may at times go back to what used to be. Say for the broken stilettos, when I finally got out of it, my feet are in their happiest state. But I had to rethink about the shoes: "Will I throw them or have them repaired?"

Yes, you feel happy for a second there once you finally have let go of the pain. But rethinking will always be there because your brain is now functioning much better after it has been clouded with so much distractions. Key here is to exhaust this part of your body at its optimum level. Weigh things. Ask trusted friends. Will the shoes serve its purpose of providing a home to my feet? Is it okay to just throw them away and invest on better shoes next time? How much is the difference between getting the shoes fixed and getting new ones?

When you find the answers to them. Ask again. Am I sure? 

Detoxify.

Never ever depend your happiness on someone. Ever. 

After being locked up for one whole weekend doing nothing, I have realized that true happiness should always come from within. And it is always a choice. 

But things will never be in our control. So what do we do when this happens? It's either we pause or we stop. There is no point of continuing when things are in a blur and if we do, it will surely be a disaster.

My roommate said, people usually go through a stage where one does and thinks nothing because for him/her, that is the most reasonable thing to do after going through complicated things and unbearable emotions. It may seem unproductive but that is what one truly need. 

Do nothing! Be unproductive!  

I don't know about you but that is how, I believe, I was able to get out of too many thoughts and be able to see things clearly; which will hopefully will lead me to a better understanding of why and how things are as such. 

And since listing off is popular nowadays in most blogs, let me try to do it here by providing you the procedures/things one need to do to have an unproductive weekend and come out fresh come the toxic and dreadful Monday. (This is how I unintentionally did it)

1. Get drinks Friday night (optional) - Do not do it alone! Alone time won't happen yet here. Surround yourself with your closest friend/s so you can maximize your talking ability as you won't be able to use it for two straight days! Talk minimally about what you are going through but make sure that the happiness will prevail on this night. The most important thing to remember from here is that you should enjoy. After all, it's Friday! 

TIP: Try to drink just enough alcohol for a good night sleep. Don't over do it as you don't want a hangover the next day!.

2. Pile up your DVDs (or whatever it is that you love doing on your downtime) - ...or if you are a book-person then pile of your books! It is now best to lay them all out as you will be needing them for the whole weekend! This is what you do when you suddenly wake up from your much needed snooze. Make sure that all of them are within reach. 

TIP: Invest on less strenuous hobby. You don't want to include there cooking, sports, etc. 

3. Have your food delivery numbers ready. It will be really a lazy day so you don't want to cook or go down to grab a bite to eat. It's all about disposables and fast food during this unproductive day. 

WARNING: Get ready for some extra pounds!

4. Have your most fresh set of linen. The smell of new sheets is always the bomb! And if you are like me who has a strong relationship with a pillow (my pillow has been with me for 10 years now) make sure you have it! 

TIP: Set you AC to a maximum and cuddle up in your bed and you are set to dreamland perfection!

5. Minimize your conversations. This is not only your unproductive time but also your time for yourself. If you  can, try to not talk to anyone at all. This will help you not lose your concentration... on doing nothing! Hahaha! (You know what I mean)

6. Take a long bath. Nothing beats a good long shower! 

TIP: If you have a tub, better! :)

7. SLEEP. Very powerful! Sleep is a very magical time-away that God invented. Imagine, you get to have a timeout to everything? I don't know about vampires but sleep is too precious to takeaway (Sorry, Edward Cullen). 

Take a long sleep... long naps. Such a wonderful feeling! Gives you back the energy that need after battling with all the troubles and the much deserved break to keep you away from too much thoughts and emotions.

~

This may be a little over the top of being unproductive but, I don't know, it helped me quite a bit. I didn't find answers yet to things that have been bothering me but I surely was better. 

In fact, before writing this post, my friend told me I sounded much better. And just before that call, I cooked. My other self-proclaimed therapy. 

We can never escape all the problems in the world. What we can always do is take a break and do nothing. :)

Changes and Expectations

I am definitely fucked up. 

Friday night, I decided to not go home for the weekend. I didn't have plans. No volleyball game. No lunch or dinner out. No date. A big ass NOTHING. I am like in a coma that I cannot get up in bed. The only difference I guess is that I can eat a lot and I cry at times.

I have talked to friends about this situation and here are the reasons why they think I am going through this:

1. I am bored. Staying home and doing nothing makes me sick because I have traveled twice in the last two months for pleasure and for work.. both in long duration.

2. I am dealing with a big change. New team. New shift. Do the math.

3. I am pressured. With the promotion and with the new team and the expectation that lies within them is too much for me to handle. 

I guess they are all right. But what goes into my mind is something I cannot really put into words. But I am trying to just so I can be better. It will be Monday tomorrow and I have to be. 

I do believe that the main reason why I feel shit is that I believe I have lost the reason why I chose to stay with my current company for a little over two years now. I didn't stay because I am passionate about what I do. I understand it. I study it. But I don't think it's really for me. I stayed because of the people. It is what has been driving me to do and be better. I have always mentioned that with my catch ups with my bosses - that I have always believed in people harmoniously working together to achieve one goal. But of course it isn't eutopia, there will always be misunderstandings and conflicts within a team. But a good team, can and will always be able to overcome it. 

Given that I am currently transitioning in a new role, it also means that I would have to leave something behind - Frankfurt Team. The migration project to India is almost over and we will soon be officially assuming new roles with our different teams. It saddens me in so many ways. The Frankfurt processes has only sat in Manila for only a year but definitely the team has done so much in terms of improvements. Strong client focused and relationship were further established, thereby leading to trust given to us by our stakeholders, most especially our first and foremost clients, the traders.  Several efficiency were implemented such as submission of the PL to t+1 from t+2 without having to change the deadlines of the inputs but  rather by streamlining our processes. More than anything else, the team is the truest definition of collaboration and camaraderie. We have our differences but we never let those get through to us especially in achieving our goals. 

Having laid out what I am leaving behind is now the pressure on my new role. I have been told by one of my bosses that I am placed in the new team because its members having a low morale. The team is stable process -wise. But in terms of relationships, there are a lot of things that needs improvement. THAT IS SO MUCH PRESSURE FOR ME. Aside from the fact that I have to learn new products as it is different from what I handled in my previous role, I also have to handle people who don't really like each other. Now how is that? 

I am a bit worried that instead of bringing them into high spirits just like what we have in Frankfurt team, I might just bring them further down. Why? Probably because of what my trainer has been telling me about the team. From the few days I have had the chance of working with them, I can see that they don't really work well together. Or was I just expecting too much or comparing it to what we usually had in my old team? 

To be honest, I am not really too enthusiastic about going to work. I just hope it's just about the new shift I am still adjusting to. But if not, I may have to rethink about staying in the company. But one think I can promise to myself: I will try my utmost best to do what is expected of me. 

Celebration and Catch up.

June 9, 2013 | 16:00 | Bay Side Amusement Park

\

~

Ayel and Kim

Just too much

Since I got back from India last Sunday, my heart and brain were filled with emotions and thoughts that I was overwhelmed.

Excitement that I was home was first and foremost to my feelings. I have never felt that way after being away from home. The second the plane landed, I turned on my phone, called home and told them the plane landed Manila! I hurried to my condo, showered quick, and prepared for my surprise for Ayel. 

It was a photo shoot which will be dealt further on my next post. :)

Then back to the Manila office on Monday, I was welcomed by colleagues who have missed me and was asked about the experience in India. The first two days were pretty much relaxing (which we truly deserve) because we just do minimal support for our colleagues in India. But come Tuesday afternoon, my supervisor told me that I was already asked by my next team to start training with them. This means a new shift the next day. But good thing it was a holiday so I didn't experience yet the rush hour that is experienced by an employee with a 9am - 6pm shift. Thursday and Friday (today) I am on sick leave. 

I had to pause. Things has been a roller coaster ride for me for my first week back in the Philippines. The entirety of myself isn't ready for all the things that has been happening. 

Wednesday was the toughest day of the week. It was my first day with my new team (and new shift - from 1-10 pm to 9 am - 6 pm). And aside from the new product knowledge on structured books, I have also acquired several things from work. The month of May is probably one of the crucial months for DKS employees. This is the time where bonus is given, mid-year discussion are done, promotions are awarded, and resignations are rampant. And with those things on the table, I was approached by some people discussing with me these things which are of course, confidential. On this day alone, I had 4 discussions with 4 different people. They were telling me things like, why they resigned, how they felt about the promotions and how some people are not promoted even if they truly deserve it, how they didn't like the politics within the team, expectations from the new team etc.. I WAS OVERWHELMED. 

From the 4 people who spoke with me, one of them was my product head and what she discussed with me is something I can share because it is my story to tell. She basically told me the evaluation on my interview for my promotion and the expectations that she and the management team have  on my new role. She said that I do my job very well and that I am great with balancing it with other things... that I have a strong client focus exemplified through the quality of output produced and the good relationship that I have with my stakeholders. The expectation now is to expand this to other colleagues who are challenged by the things that I am capable of doing so well. This was again overwhelming because I am being placed in a team who are all senior associates the same way I was with my old team. They have a different caliber and of course I am pressured to do nothing but the best. 

The stories of the other 3 people cannot be disclosed. But they were pretty much what I have above-mentioned on the 6th paragraph. I guess my point is, that day was just too much for me to handle. I wasn't emotionally ready to be in a new team yet as I was conditioned to be transferred at least a week after my first week of being back. It was too much because of all the information that I can't help to have emotions. But a friend told me that the best thing to do is to be just a third party... an observer. This means that I shouldn't get attached with what they have to say or do. Just give an honest opinion or a friendly piece of advice whenever necessary. 

My body didn't cooperate with me on this roller coaster hell of a week. But I guess 2 days off is probably what I really needed so I can be ready for another week ahead!

A Thursday play-by-play.

The day started pretty well. Got up a bit later than the usual to catch up on some sleeping and to abuse my comfortable bed. Had a quick shower and went down for breakfast.

Saw the usual hotel and restaurant personnel and of course they have greeted me with their warmest smile. Had my usual tomato-bell pepper-onion-smothered-with ketchup omelette, chicken breast, cucumber, cashew nuts, dried apricot and tea. We had a good dessert: cute foreign guys whose nationality we can identify.

We headed to the lobby of the hotel and asked for our car service. It was a quick travel - 5 to 10 minutes tops. Then started our day at work. 

Did not know it would be too busy considering we had already transferred all the processes to our Mumbai colleagues. But it was. At least for me. Had several issues with my book - mainly because of dividends season and of the incorrect work done by one of our colleague which had affected my book. I was able to manage it. I was very proactive. I was quick in thinking of solution. An added bonus was while reporting my work to my trader, we had a little chat which was quite non-work related. The trader I spoke with is not usually the trader I get to deal with everyday. I spoke with the head trader of the business. I was a bit terrified because I had to do the call on speaker phone as I was doing it with my trainee. I did not want the whole floor to hear that my trader is snarling at me because the last time I spoke to him, it wasn't that good. But I understood then that he was very busy and all of his traders are not yet in the office and he had to do all the work (AND HE IS THE FREAKING HEAD OF THE BUSINESS!). He chatted me about him and the other trader (which i usually spoke with) - that they have been doing the business for 20 years now. He even gave me the date: August 1993. Told him I was just about to turn 3 years old then. It was a quick chat but I have always appreciate such conversations especially with stakeholders who are usually perceived to be uptight and does not know life beyond work. 

On top of doing my main book, I also had to do another book and train it for a cover plan. My colleague could do it but I volunteered so I get to be refreshed on the concepts and strategies of the book. I reviewed it again and was able to teach it to one Mumbai colleague. I was blabbering about warrants, index, European down/up out options, FX, delta, etc. Feels so good! There were items which I told her that I'm honestly not very familiar of but promised her to get back on that so she will have a good background of what is expected on the book.

I really felt very fulfilled. I know to myself that I am not the smartest person but as I always say, I am an average person defying her limits.  

During the day, I even had a time to go down and have a break, which we usually don't have for the reason that we eat buffet for breakfast and dinner and we do not really like the food at their canteen (but we haven't gone there yet but we heard it's all Indian food). I had McEgg meal (Mcdo is a 5 minute walk from the office). It was good! I hope we can have that in the Philippines too! 

I also did the call today - my last validation and control call with Finance in Mumbai. It was quick also and managed it despite the delays.

Second to the last day at the office ended. Went down and waited for our car service. We also had delays on that as we asked for a 7pm pick up but the car was not there and it was already 7:30. It was still okay as I was finally reunited with my iPhone internet and did some browsing.

Arrived at the hotel and grabbed our dinner. Had 6 steamed chicken dumplings (to which I told the cook not to judge me while he was watching me get some), some stir fried noodles, grilled chicken, melon and tea. The chef during breakfast was still there and he told me that he already asked the bakery to bake some double chocolate chip muffin for me. He even said he asked for 4; 2 for dine in and 2 for to-go. Such a sweet and thoughtful chef. He also brings me a bowl of cashew nuts every morning when he learned that I bring it to work for lunch. 

Full and satisfied, we went to our room. Had a chat with my boyfriend and we were too cheesy, mostly because of the distance that we have had for our first month of being together. FORGIVABLE. I was literally colon capital D. Such a joy to read all the things he has to say. It warms my heart in so many ways.

After our chat, I had to let him go and let him do his reading. So I decided to soak in my tub. Closed my eyes. Thought of nothing. It was rejuvenating. Took a shower. Dressed up, dried my hair and put some lotion. Prepared my hot tea and now, blogging. 

I have never felt this way before. So relaxed after a long and fulfilling day. It was so great that I had to post a play-by-play blog!

~

Maximize each day. Balance it with work and play. If you make time, you will find time. 

The SELFIE Project

My thoughts are everywhere. But I know to myself that I really really want to write tonight.

I was inspired by an unconventional graduation speech by Jon Lovett and by an article by Tania Kotsos.

LINK: http://12160.info/video/obama-s-speechwriter-stand-up-comedian-gives-a-graduation-speech or    http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2013/05/life-lessons-in-fighting-the-culture-of-bullshit/276030/

LINK: http://www.mind-your-reality.com/comparing_yourself_to_others.html#Part_2

~

I just got promoted two days ago. It feels really good to have achieved something you have worked so hard for. I know I truly deserve this promotion. It is due time that I be paid off for the hardwork I have been putting through in my work.

Aside from my manager and my supervisor, the number of people who knows about my promotion is less than 5. Not the typical standard procedure whenever I have good news. I have always told my friends that it brings me so much joy to share good things about myself to other people, most especially to my parents. I remember it vividly, that I told this to one of my closest friends in college, while we were crossing the streets that I always tell my parents right away whenever I have good news. My reason for that is because they deserve to know first whatever good news that I have. And also, I have always wanted to make my parents proud even on the smallest achievements.

But it’s only now that I realize that, it is more than making my parents proud or making other people happy for me. It is about my self-worth. All my life, I have always lived on the approval of other people. It always makes me feel good whenever I am complimented on a job well done. I always compare if what I have achieved will measure up to what others have achieved. Though I know to myself that there will always be people better than me, it did not stop me to unconsciously live on how other people would think of me. This is might have been the cause of my insecurities.

My self-insecurities started when I was in college. It was a bigger world. It was true when Jon Lovett said on his speech that the world we live on right now may seem big but will eventually be smaller as we mature and step on bigger (and more complicated) worlds. That was what happened during my transition from high school to college. High school was simply the best for me. I was doing well in my academics and I was insanely active in co-curricular activities. I was part of the first section of our batch, was one of the best volleyball players of my team, was the vice-president of the student council, was admired by my batchmates, etc. College is a different story. I thought that what I had in college would suffice to bring me up to my expectations. It wasn’t. This is where I started doubting myself. There were so many people who were so much better… so many people who had more experience… so many people who brought my self-confidence level down to negative level times infinity.

Self-insecurities wouldn’t have happened if I never compared myself to others. I wouldn’t have beaten up myself too much. I could have forgiven myself a little and accepted my flaws.

But it is never too late. I can change. I can try.

Living a life that depends on the approval of other people is BULLSHIT. It’s hard, complicated and unlivable. I don’t know how I went on for 22 years living this way. Such kind of life can also equate to being safe, which is defines my existence actually. Nothing wrong with being safe but it’s also good to take risks and let those lead you to somewhere you never thought you will – good or bad. If it is good, then you can now be safe with that. If it is bad, then lesson learned. Either way we get something from it – it is just a matter of how we deal with it.

I don’t want to always get the approval of others to be happy and for me to define my success I don’t want to be always safe. I want to live a life that will really measure up true happiness. I want a life that is not decided on what is safe but on what is best. I want to not always care about what others has to say – it’s their opinion, they are entitled to it. I want to exhaust my capabilities knowing that it is sourced from belief in oneself.

BELIEVE – this I have to stick to my head. It’s a tough change but I will sure get there.

My new (and upgraded) position is a challenge more than enough. But I am stepping up my game to add more challenges and that is to improve oneself – less insecurities + more happiness = inner peace.