I was never confident about how I look. But there will always be people who will appreciate what I have.
Well, first on the few people on the list is my mom. Galing ako sa kanya e! She has no choice! Pag sinabi niyang pangit ako, aba e pangit din siya.
But after my mom, mostly are my family and friends which is quite expected.
I do not see myself as someone na pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa. Hindi ako pangit. But I am not THAT beautiful. I will always be jealous of other people who are THAT beautiful.
So how do I define beautiful?
1. Good skin. I believe that even if you are not that beautiful, when you have a good skin then you are okay. In our family, we are not blessed with a skin na tipong wala ng pores. I have always wanted that... yung parang phinotoshop (reduce noise and effect hahaha!). ;)
2. Healthy and toned body. This is quite hard to achieve since I am no fan of exercise. But I have given it a shot and I hope I will have enough determination to achieve my goal. Gusto ko pang pumayat. I want to lose all my unwanted flabs. They are everywhere but mostly on my face, tummy and arms.
I don't aspire to have a model-like body (pero kung pwede why not but I know it's not my body frame). A beautiful person should have the right amount of curves.
3. Intelligent mind. I am always in awe whenever I meet a person who thinks well. I always find them beautiful. I am no Einstein but I would like to think that I am smart and wise. There are different kinds of intelligence and I believe I have the average amount of all kinds.
I am a bit curious. I ask questions. But I have always wished for a more intellectual mind. Yung tipong tumatop ng board. Hahahaha! Kidding! But yeah, this is is the one thing I have always wanted. Lagi kong iniisip, sana mas matalino pa ako.
4. Kind heart. Nothing is more beautiful than a person with a kind heart. When you have such kind of heart, I believe it will show in your body. Gumaganda ka. Gumagwapo ka. And I believe a kind heart will most of the time equate to a happy heart. And happiness makes everyone beautiful! :)
I always wanted more for myself. It's human nature. If I go to the specifics of what I want to improve baka maging nobela na ito. But wanting something will not be yours until you work for it. Hindi pwedeng gusto lang. There should be the drive and the commitment to achieve what you want.
Define it. Be specific. I always remember one of my professors in college when she told us about how she prays and asks to God. She told us to be specific... sabi niya kung gusto ninyo ng 100% sa exam ninyo sabihin ninyo sa Kanya. In that way, one would know what s/he really wants. When you know it, it will be much easier to plan on how to get it.
I will be beautiful. I am working on it. I planned and I want it. ;)
Monday, September 24, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
An open letter
Dear Ben,
I know I have written so many letters (or I thought I have) and have sent you several text messages. I thought that was enough... Sadly it isn't. Especially now with our situation: WE FREAKING SIT IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER!
It isn't our fault. It isn't anybody's fault. That is how things should be. The big bosses cannot just rearrange everything just because we sit near each other. When we are together, we agreed that we'll get through it. We will deal with it professionally. Nobody can say anything bad about us or about the work we do. We said we'll prove to them work is work and play is play.
We got through it... together. How about now that we are over?
TRAGIC.
Thank God for my 7-day break. I need a break from all the pretending that I do especially when I am in the office. Hindi ko na kaya ung nandiyan ka lang sa tapat ko at nadidinig kita. I really can't help it when I hear you laugh. I feel like everything is okay in your life ... that nothing happened.
Hindi ko na rin kaya yung kapag tatayo ka, I have to put my head a little lower just so I can't see you. I admit, parang tanga lang ako.
I rarely use my phone for music... but now you will see me most of the time with my earphones on and the loudest music possible just so I could not hear you.
There were also a lot of times when our eyes would meet for. unknown reason and we will both look away. Soooo awkward.
And the last and the best of them all? Kate, our very boss, has put us in one project together. GREAT. And that one day we had to present to her and the other bosses was just so uneasy for me. Ooops! How can I forget, when I returned the rosary you gave me... the rosary you told me has helped you a lot.. the rosary you gave me because I lost mine... I thought you'd message me about that when I saw a message notification from you. And then, what did I see? It was about you asking for our presentation. Terrific!
From then on, I thought to myself... Work and work alone will be the only reason to talk to you again. Nothing more.
That's how I have been since we broke up. I know you are not at your best too. But I know you'll be fine soon. I just hope that when that time comes and you have a new person in your life, I am happy already... because I do not think I can be happy for you when I am not... especially when you are the reason.
I still look at our photos often. I look at them every night. Cliche. Melodramatic. I know. But I just let myself because I have done so much pretending in the office. Perhaps, I could forgive myself for doing that when I am alone.
I have been trying to convince myself that we have made a right decision. There are times that the logical person in me would rationalize that it's the best for our situation. But there are also times when I just miss you and think of this decision as one of my stupidest. There are several times that I want to send you a text message. But I have learned control. Maybe it is in this age and time that I have to depend less on my emotions because most of the time emotions bring me to nothing but pain.
This open letter is a slip from my 7-day time away (from you). I have promised myself to be better. But that doesn't mean it would be perfect. It's difficult to let go, Ben. Ika nga, first love e. I was really sure then that we will be together for a long time. But I never thought my parents would be a factor. After all, they told me as long as I finish school and the guy I will be with is responsible and God-fearing then they are fine with it.
Shit really happens.
Anyway, just wanted you to know that I really want you to choose the other option... the option wherein we wouldn't be in this situation. But it's just fair that I made you choose because I know we are in a difficult situation and I do not want you to be affected by all of the crap my parents tell me about you. Siguro, napili mo rin yun kasi nahihirapan ka na at nakikita mong nahihirapan na ako. But always keep in mind na gusto kitang ipaglaban. It's just that, hindi ako ung type na nagrerebelde sa magulang. And I know you don't want me to be like that just because I have this relationship. I want to fight for you. But I know that whatever I say to them, they will just hear words from someone who hasn't proved anything yet. Ang tingin nila sakin, bata pa. Wala pang alam sa mundo. Sabi ko nga kay Tel, I will fight for you. But not now. It's not an option for us yet. And you know I tried, right? And it doesn't make things any better, either sa atin or sa magulang ko. Bottomline is, I believe in the love that we have to fight for it. But there are things that needs ironing out.
I don't know if we would still end up together. Daddy told me "Kung kayo talaga, magiging kayo...". Well, let us see what happens. We did our best. Let us see what time can do for us.
I know in my heart I still love you. And what we had is not something I can just throw away.
It's not easy. Never was.
I miss you everyday.
Love,
Krizia
I know I have written so many letters (or I thought I have) and have sent you several text messages. I thought that was enough... Sadly it isn't. Especially now with our situation: WE FREAKING SIT IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER!
It isn't our fault. It isn't anybody's fault. That is how things should be. The big bosses cannot just rearrange everything just because we sit near each other. When we are together, we agreed that we'll get through it. We will deal with it professionally. Nobody can say anything bad about us or about the work we do. We said we'll prove to them work is work and play is play.
We got through it... together. How about now that we are over?
TRAGIC.
Thank God for my 7-day break. I need a break from all the pretending that I do especially when I am in the office. Hindi ko na kaya ung nandiyan ka lang sa tapat ko at nadidinig kita. I really can't help it when I hear you laugh. I feel like everything is okay in your life ... that nothing happened.
Hindi ko na rin kaya yung kapag tatayo ka, I have to put my head a little lower just so I can't see you. I admit, parang tanga lang ako.
I rarely use my phone for music... but now you will see me most of the time with my earphones on and the loudest music possible just so I could not hear you.
There were also a lot of times when our eyes would meet for. unknown reason and we will both look away. Soooo awkward.
And the last and the best of them all? Kate, our very boss, has put us in one project together. GREAT. And that one day we had to present to her and the other bosses was just so uneasy for me. Ooops! How can I forget, when I returned the rosary you gave me... the rosary you told me has helped you a lot.. the rosary you gave me because I lost mine... I thought you'd message me about that when I saw a message notification from you. And then, what did I see? It was about you asking for our presentation. Terrific!
From then on, I thought to myself... Work and work alone will be the only reason to talk to you again. Nothing more.
That's how I have been since we broke up. I know you are not at your best too. But I know you'll be fine soon. I just hope that when that time comes and you have a new person in your life, I am happy already... because I do not think I can be happy for you when I am not... especially when you are the reason.
I still look at our photos often. I look at them every night. Cliche. Melodramatic. I know. But I just let myself because I have done so much pretending in the office. Perhaps, I could forgive myself for doing that when I am alone.
I have been trying to convince myself that we have made a right decision. There are times that the logical person in me would rationalize that it's the best for our situation. But there are also times when I just miss you and think of this decision as one of my stupidest. There are several times that I want to send you a text message. But I have learned control. Maybe it is in this age and time that I have to depend less on my emotions because most of the time emotions bring me to nothing but pain.
This open letter is a slip from my 7-day time away (from you). I have promised myself to be better. But that doesn't mean it would be perfect. It's difficult to let go, Ben. Ika nga, first love e. I was really sure then that we will be together for a long time. But I never thought my parents would be a factor. After all, they told me as long as I finish school and the guy I will be with is responsible and God-fearing then they are fine with it.
Shit really happens.
Anyway, just wanted you to know that I really want you to choose the other option... the option wherein we wouldn't be in this situation. But it's just fair that I made you choose because I know we are in a difficult situation and I do not want you to be affected by all of the crap my parents tell me about you. Siguro, napili mo rin yun kasi nahihirapan ka na at nakikita mong nahihirapan na ako. But always keep in mind na gusto kitang ipaglaban. It's just that, hindi ako ung type na nagrerebelde sa magulang. And I know you don't want me to be like that just because I have this relationship. I want to fight for you. But I know that whatever I say to them, they will just hear words from someone who hasn't proved anything yet. Ang tingin nila sakin, bata pa. Wala pang alam sa mundo. Sabi ko nga kay Tel, I will fight for you. But not now. It's not an option for us yet. And you know I tried, right? And it doesn't make things any better, either sa atin or sa magulang ko. Bottomline is, I believe in the love that we have to fight for it. But there are things that needs ironing out.
I don't know if we would still end up together. Daddy told me "Kung kayo talaga, magiging kayo...". Well, let us see what happens. We did our best. Let us see what time can do for us.
I know in my heart I still love you. And what we had is not something I can just throw away.
It's not easy. Never was.
I miss you everyday.
Love,
Krizia
Thursday, September 20, 2012
7-day Vacation: Day 1
It's 12:34 am and I am onto my second day of my 7-day vacay!
My leave is actually called "Mandatory Time Away" or MTA. It's a requirement of the company wherein they will check all your access, communications, etc. It's part of being transparent with work since I am in a bank.
This 7-day time away is not really planned. I had no choice because I just transferred to another team last June and I didn't know that 2 of my teammates are getting married. So one is taking his MTA on October and one on November. Plus they have I think 5 additional marriage leaves. So that's 12 days total. We can't also take our MTAs on December as it is one of the most crucial month as it is nearing year-end. So what choice did I have? MTA on SEPTEMBER... which means no plans... AT ALL.
GREAT.
Well I had plans before... before when I still had a boyfriend. (Oh, let us not dwell into that too much here..) But yeah, that was what I had in mind. Set 2-3 days with him and the rest I spend with my family.
So I have 7 days... including weekends that would be 11 days! And no plans...
*PANIC*
Usually I'd be happy just to stay at home and do nothing. But I didn't want that now... especially after a breakup. I have spent so many times alone and I want to spare myself from all the quiet time I have been having lately. For some reason, I want to go somewhere by myself... do something extraordinary.. but my mind is blank and my pocket is empty. So I ended up with the quiet time alone again.
Nevertheless, I promised myself to make it exciting without having spend too much money. Solution? Stay at home! Hahahaha! Free Food. Free Everything. But how do I get to the exciting part since I have covered the no-spending-too-much part?
A few days before my MTA I have been mentally planning the things I can do. And I only thought of one thing... Be better.
I heard someone say that when girls are burdened with so many problems they get prettier. Why? Because when they are sad, they go to salons, buy new clothes, etc. Well, those are some of the things I will do.
There is no point of letting myself be miserable. So I decided to be happy...
Happiness is actually a choice. But it's also okay to have down moments and let yourself be imperfect. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be mad. But never ever let these things take up on you. One can never be always happy or sad. So when you can be happy, be. Weigh things... weigh whether being happy or sad will make you better.
I am almost done with sad part. Now, I am choosing to be happy. HOW?
1. Exercise - I was never a fan of exercise. I always tell people "I-diet ninyo na lang ako, huwag niyo lang ako ipag-exercise". But I have to now. I lost 12 lbs in 2 months because of dieting and sickness. Now there is something wrong with my last sentence. It is never good to lose weight due to sickness. I'd rather lose it through diet AND EXERCISE. Also, I thought, it's about time to start exercising. I am not getting any younger and I do not want to regret things later on in life just because I am lazy and irresponsible with my body.
I have been exercising religiously for about a month now. It's either I jog after work or do my personal workout for toning. A pretty good start for someone who hates exercise, I think. :)
Kyro and I actually agreed on jogging today at 6 am. But it's already 1 am and I am still not sleeping. I might pass today but will definitely try on waking up tomorrow. After all, I am still adjusting with the normal time or normal people. Hahaha! Usually I sleep between 1-3 am. Depends on how intense my insomnia is acting up. So adjusting my body clock to the "normal" time for 7 days and bringing it back to my usual after will be one of the hardest part of this plan. So good luck!
2. Diet - It doesn't mean it's my vacation I will eat all the food I can (again). No. No. Never. Okay, maybe once or twice enough. But I have to keep myself disciplined with food. Since Saturday of this week I have been eating a lot just because I haven't been home for a month and I was sick... still a bit sick as I write this blog.
I should no longer have excuses! I'll continue my diet! Diet and being happy should not be two different things. My diet is actually more of moderation on food and choosing healthy food options. No crash diets. No more GM diet. No more starving-myself-to-death diet. My diet is a healthy and a happy one!
3. Change hair - ...style? ...color? I really do not know. But I know I want to visit a salon soon! I haven't been to a salon since the start of the year because I am growing out my hair. And it's taking forever!!!!
I also want to have a massage this week. But perhaps I will be saving it til next month since I have a GC at The Spa from my teammates! Whoppeeee!
4. SHOP - I am in dire need of new clothes. I thought only clothes that are too small for me would piss me off. It's the same with clothes that are too big for you. Of course I do not want to look like a rapper with my baggy clothes! I always want a perfect fit for my clothes because I think I have a very complicated body type. Tall but my body is elongated at my upper body part (meaning I do not have long legs), no boobs, big tummy, masculine arms and legs. So finding clothes that would fit me perfectly is a bit hard. What do I need to do? SHOP!!! But in sales! :) Two to four new items in my wardrobe would make me happy:)
5. CLEAN & ORGANIZE - Been neglecting my room for I don't know how long. When I get home from Manila, I just throw off my things and sleep then the next thing you know you wake to leave for Manila. I'd like to call my room a tambakan... tambakan ng mga bagay na hindi ko na masyadong ginagamit! You'd see clothes that aren't worn for ages... shoes na papasa na sa Rated K tsinelas capaign ni Korina... basura.. dagat ng basura.
Well not so much because our helper cleans it during the weekend. But she doesn't throw anything because she's afraid I might still need them. Solution: I. NEED. TO. CLEAN. MY. ROOM. (Exercise!!!) ... (Allergies!!!)
So far that's what I have in mind. Hope I get to do them because for day 1 I practically just went lazy. Woke up at 11 am. Watched. Fix a bit of my room. Went home to Pampanga. Ate lechon manok, sisig and pansit bihon. No exercise. No diet. TAMAD. But will forgive myself as I finished work at 3 am that night. Hahahaha!
But there should be no more excuses. I only got 10 more days! I do not want my vacation time wasted! It only comes once a year! So, I should probably sleeping now... as I will try to wake up for a morning jog. Yaaaaaaay! Cheers to a better me!!!!
READY. SET. VACATION!!!!!
My leave is actually called "Mandatory Time Away" or MTA. It's a requirement of the company wherein they will check all your access, communications, etc. It's part of being transparent with work since I am in a bank.
This 7-day time away is not really planned. I had no choice because I just transferred to another team last June and I didn't know that 2 of my teammates are getting married. So one is taking his MTA on October and one on November. Plus they have I think 5 additional marriage leaves. So that's 12 days total. We can't also take our MTAs on December as it is one of the most crucial month as it is nearing year-end. So what choice did I have? MTA on SEPTEMBER... which means no plans... AT ALL.
GREAT.
Well I had plans before... before when I still had a boyfriend. (Oh, let us not dwell into that too much here..) But yeah, that was what I had in mind. Set 2-3 days with him and the rest I spend with my family.
So I have 7 days... including weekends that would be 11 days! And no plans...
*PANIC*
Usually I'd be happy just to stay at home and do nothing. But I didn't want that now... especially after a breakup. I have spent so many times alone and I want to spare myself from all the quiet time I have been having lately. For some reason, I want to go somewhere by myself... do something extraordinary.. but my mind is blank and my pocket is empty. So I ended up with the quiet time alone again.
Nevertheless, I promised myself to make it exciting without having spend too much money. Solution? Stay at home! Hahahaha! Free Food. Free Everything. But how do I get to the exciting part since I have covered the no-spending-too-much part?
A few days before my MTA I have been mentally planning the things I can do. And I only thought of one thing... Be better.
I heard someone say that when girls are burdened with so many problems they get prettier. Why? Because when they are sad, they go to salons, buy new clothes, etc. Well, those are some of the things I will do.
There is no point of letting myself be miserable. So I decided to be happy...
Happiness is actually a choice. But it's also okay to have down moments and let yourself be imperfect. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be mad. But never ever let these things take up on you. One can never be always happy or sad. So when you can be happy, be. Weigh things... weigh whether being happy or sad will make you better.
I am almost done with sad part. Now, I am choosing to be happy. HOW?
1. Exercise - I was never a fan of exercise. I always tell people "I-diet ninyo na lang ako, huwag niyo lang ako ipag-exercise". But I have to now. I lost 12 lbs in 2 months because of dieting and sickness. Now there is something wrong with my last sentence. It is never good to lose weight due to sickness. I'd rather lose it through diet AND EXERCISE. Also, I thought, it's about time to start exercising. I am not getting any younger and I do not want to regret things later on in life just because I am lazy and irresponsible with my body.
I have been exercising religiously for about a month now. It's either I jog after work or do my personal workout for toning. A pretty good start for someone who hates exercise, I think. :)
Kyro and I actually agreed on jogging today at 6 am. But it's already 1 am and I am still not sleeping. I might pass today but will definitely try on waking up tomorrow. After all, I am still adjusting with the normal time or normal people. Hahaha! Usually I sleep between 1-3 am. Depends on how intense my insomnia is acting up. So adjusting my body clock to the "normal" time for 7 days and bringing it back to my usual after will be one of the hardest part of this plan. So good luck!
2. Diet - It doesn't mean it's my vacation I will eat all the food I can (again). No. No. Never. Okay, maybe once or twice enough. But I have to keep myself disciplined with food. Since Saturday of this week I have been eating a lot just because I haven't been home for a month and I was sick... still a bit sick as I write this blog.
I should no longer have excuses! I'll continue my diet! Diet and being happy should not be two different things. My diet is actually more of moderation on food and choosing healthy food options. No crash diets. No more GM diet. No more starving-myself-to-death diet. My diet is a healthy and a happy one!
3. Change hair - ...style? ...color? I really do not know. But I know I want to visit a salon soon! I haven't been to a salon since the start of the year because I am growing out my hair. And it's taking forever!!!!
I also want to have a massage this week. But perhaps I will be saving it til next month since I have a GC at The Spa from my teammates! Whoppeeee!
4. SHOP - I am in dire need of new clothes. I thought only clothes that are too small for me would piss me off. It's the same with clothes that are too big for you. Of course I do not want to look like a rapper with my baggy clothes! I always want a perfect fit for my clothes because I think I have a very complicated body type. Tall but my body is elongated at my upper body part (meaning I do not have long legs), no boobs, big tummy, masculine arms and legs. So finding clothes that would fit me perfectly is a bit hard. What do I need to do? SHOP!!! But in sales! :) Two to four new items in my wardrobe would make me happy:)
5. CLEAN & ORGANIZE - Been neglecting my room for I don't know how long. When I get home from Manila, I just throw off my things and sleep then the next thing you know you wake to leave for Manila. I'd like to call my room a tambakan... tambakan ng mga bagay na hindi ko na masyadong ginagamit! You'd see clothes that aren't worn for ages... shoes na papasa na sa Rated K tsinelas capaign ni Korina... basura.. dagat ng basura.
Well not so much because our helper cleans it during the weekend. But she doesn't throw anything because she's afraid I might still need them. Solution: I. NEED. TO. CLEAN. MY. ROOM. (Exercise!!!) ... (Allergies!!!)
So far that's what I have in mind. Hope I get to do them because for day 1 I practically just went lazy. Woke up at 11 am. Watched. Fix a bit of my room. Went home to Pampanga. Ate lechon manok, sisig and pansit bihon. No exercise. No diet. TAMAD. But will forgive myself as I finished work at 3 am that night. Hahahaha!
But there should be no more excuses. I only got 10 more days! I do not want my vacation time wasted! It only comes once a year! So, I should probably sleeping now... as I will try to wake up for a morning jog. Yaaaaaaay! Cheers to a better me!!!!
READY. SET. VACATION!!!!!
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