I smoked. Asked a teammate for a stick and everyone was shocked. I heard a lot of "Talaga?" and "Wala kasi sa hitsura mo". So what do smokers look like? Rugged look with piercing and tattoo all over them? Guess not. Siguro mukha lang akong prim and proper? I don't think so. Ewan ko. But yeah, the DKS world moved a little when I asked for one stick of cigarette.
I used to despise smokers. I have two in my family, my dad and my sister. And I am constantly telling them to quit because I hate smokers. I still hate them. So do I hate myself then?
How did it start? One word: REVENGE. With all the things happening during the last quarter of 2011 I was so stressed and I was so mad at everyone. And when you are in this state of mind you couldn't think at your best. On the contrary, you are at your worst. Since, Ben is a smoker I asked him to teach me. But of course, he didn't want me to. Then I blackmailed him that I can always ask others to teach me. Then he agreed. I only smoke when I am with him with the exception of one party and earlier this afternoon.
When I smoke, I see myself as a bad person. I guess I was just pushing myself more to the hole where it leads me to hell because, from what I felt those times, I think that people (especially my parents) see me as the worst daughter they could ever have. So instead of proving otherwise, I just let myself be the "bad girl" they perceive. In my head I say, "I am too tired of trying to make you proud so I no longer give a shit. So look at me, mom, dad, I FREAKIN SMOKE".
I was smoking for one week. But not everyday and not more than 2 sticks. Then that was it....
Until earlier this day. My sister was bumming me out. I hate the older sister syndrome. Or for that matter, I hate her period. Let me not rant about her because this is my blog. Hahahaha! *evil younger sister laugh* Ping-ed my teammates then told them I'm stressed. Then two smoker teammates were so excited about it because they never thought I smoked and they want to see how I smoke. In their words:"TARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA dream come true (heavenly sounds)"
So I smoked. Again. I am so sorry for myself. But it was such a stress reliever. I know there are other ways to have a breather but I was having such a bad day to top it off Ben doesn't have time for me.
I promise myself to be the occasional smoker. Once a month will do. Or none at all. I am not addicted to it like most people do. I can live without it. But one stick wouldn't hurt once in a while I guess.
I am not proud of it but it keeps me calm.
I was having second thoughts after finishing this entry because people tend to be judged when they smoke. But then I realize, I will not be true to my blog name if I don't tell this confession. So yeah, I have smoked.
