Love.

Abstract. Mushy. Happiness. Complicated. Tough. Surreal.

Him.

~

Have you come to the point that you wanted to blog but when you open your laptop nothing comes out? That is either you having so much thoughts in your head and you don't know where and how to start or you have a blank mind and you just want to fill it up through blogging. Probably, I am the latter. 

My mind is blank (or it has always been blank and only realized it now that it is). I don't know if it has something to do with being away from home for the first time without your family and/or being away from him  just about when I agreed to be his girlfriend. 

It sucks.

Just yesterday, it was his birthday. His 24th. And I am far away from him. I got the taste of being in a long distance relationship. Though it's just a 2.5-hour time difference, it still matters. Probably just to me because I was NEVER a fan of long distance relationship and having said that I am the type who values physical time together. I like hugging. I like holding hands. I like seeing the person I love (not through skype or facetime) and tell him what I feel. 

~

God is really good. Way before we were all born, He already knows how our life is going to be. I don't know how my life was planned by God but what I know is it's just basically a combination of gifts and "punishments" in different forms. He has given us the free will so that is where the how-we-play-game comes into picture. It's either we make something good out of the combination or we ruin it and throw our life away. But life isn't perfect. That is how He designed it to be. Sometimes, gifts are unappreciated and "punishments" are learned the wrong way. 

Just recently, I was able to receive a gift in a form of a man. I don't know God's plan on this but I trust Him.

The timing of the gift is both perfect and imperfect. Perfect in such a way that I was better, it was New Year, and I wasn't expecting. Imperfect that I am trying to figure out what I am going to do for the rest of my life. 

I received this gift last January 10, 2013. It was boxed and tied in ribbon since May 19, 1989. 

It was such a wonderful gift. It was something I really prayed for. 

Though the untying of the ribbon and opening of the box was easy. Getting the gift outside the box wasn't. There were a lot of doubts... mostly about myself. I didn't know if I was ready. I didn't know if he is really the gift or still the punishment (or as he often calls it, a lesson). I was too careful. I was being too logical about my decision. I even told myself that I believe that I have had enough dose of pain from my previous relationship.

But pain is inevitable. It's part of the game. Only death can end it. 

That's when I decided to reevaluate how I make my decisions and to remind myself that there is no perfect situation. 

He's almost perfect. But human nature will, of course, want for more. Plus being the pessimistic and realistic that I am, I tend to see things in the way that I will be able to manage expectations. That's how I play my game. 

So what made me take out the gift outside box? Simple. I prayed and realized that he is more than a gift to me. He is a blessing.

I love that he is making me light even if I know that it's hell on his side of life. 

I love that he is very positive. 

I love that he can be both a boy and a man.

I love that he makes time.

I love that he's traditional and unconventional at the same time.

I love that he pushes himself to the limit and I love that I am pulling him away when he's gone beyond his limit. 

I love that we share the same interests on sports (and how great he is on every sport).

I love that he is very inexperienced with food.

I love how protective he is as a brother.

I love that he respect my parents.

I love that he's an average who does exceptional things.

I love the way he looks (even though I didn't believe at first that he is really good looking when I saw his photo).

I love how he holds my hand and waffles it. 

I love how he takes me on dates and copies ideas from movies because he admits that he doesn't know how to do dates.

I love it when I hugged him and he wants to hug longer.

I love that we plan our time together.

I love that he made a scrapbook and made me answer a lot of things including the question of asking me to be his girlfriend.

I love how our first kiss went and I couldn't let him go.

I love that he is my gift.

I love that he is a blessing.

The list can go on. The listing off can also stop for a while. It may be due to petty fights, misunderstandings or heated arguments. But it will be a game I am willing to play with him. 

It's true when they say, it's not about finding love... but loving what you found. In this case, loving what was given. 

~

To Ayel, belated happy 24th birthday! You know that I will always love you. 

On Pause.

A lot of things had happened since my last entry. And I think I owe it to myself that I post a new entry and just let myself ramble.  I have always planned on blogging but never have pursued it. And I found the reason why through a book:

"My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations" -The Fault in our Stars

My life lately is a bit of a blur. I don't know where to go... what to do... what I want (to be)... It's really darkness. I am just one of the many people going with the flow and unsure of what to do next. I am not even sure if I will be able to finish this entry.. That is how messed up my life is. 

But of course, it's not always darkness. There is a bit of light.

I am very thankful for the friends that I have: the old and trusted and; the new and gay. They kept me grounded and hopeful of things that can happen if only I started to believe. They are my source of happiness. They are the ones who challenged me to be better. 

In the opening of 2013, I believe I was the better version of myself. Probably has something to do with the new year vibe. Nonetheless, I felt much much better.  It wasn't perfect.. (it will never be) but I was contented with was going on with my life. Until the announcement. 

It's the circle of life. And my circle is turning a bit fast.

My boss told me mid-January that we needed to catch up about the resiliency program at work. Then she told me, we are migrating the process to India this March.

I was shocked. This is where my life started to be a bit fucked up. And I declared to my closest friends that I am officially having a quarter-life crisis.

This is the time I started to think about other opportunities because after India what are the possibilities? I started to doubt my capabilities. I was being hard on myself. And of course, how could I leave my insecurities which are always there since college?

I am lost. I started to feel heavy about everything. Until now I am dragging myself to work.. and I only found out the reason why this morning: because I am being emotional on the migration and that we will no longer be a team after a few months.

It's hard to continue something when you know it will end. 

With all this happening, the idea of changing career has become attractive to me because I cannot see myself anywhere with DKS aside from my current team. But of course, that is just me exaggerating it a bit caused by overwhelming emotions. The airline and culinary path are top 2 of my prospects if and when I change my career. Other companies such as Unilever and Kraft are also considered. But... BUT. 

I AM UNSURE. 

Unsure of the things I really want. I am careful with every decision because I do not want to waste my time figuring out what I am destined to do. I want to spend doing what I meant to be doing.

That's why, everything is ON PAUSE. I do not want to do anything yet. I want to think about it. Talk to people who knows me well and who has accomplished so much. 

Probably, another thing that I owe to myself (aside from this blog entry) is to believe on the things I can do and to forgive myself on things I can't do. That might help to change that status from pause to having the time of my life. 

It has to be.

Things have to fall apart.
Hearts have to be broken.

Anger and sadness should win over hopes.

You have to cry.
You have to get mad.

What I want

I was never confident about how I look. But there will always be people who will appreciate what I have. 

Well, first on the few people on the list is my mom. Galing ako sa kanya e! She has no choice! Pag sinabi niyang pangit ako, aba e pangit din siya. 

But after my mom, mostly are my family and friends which is quite expected. 

I do not see myself as someone na pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa. Hindi ako pangit. But I am not THAT beautiful. I will always be jealous of other people who are THAT beautiful.

So how do I define beautiful? 

1. Good skin. I believe that even if you are not that beautiful, when you have a good skin then you are okay. In our family, we are not blessed with a skin na tipong wala ng pores. I have always wanted that... yung parang phinotoshop (reduce noise and effect hahaha!). ;)

2. Healthy and toned body. This is quite hard to achieve since I am no fan of exercise. But I have given it a shot and I hope I will have enough determination to achieve my goal. Gusto ko pang pumayat. I want to lose all my unwanted flabs. They are everywhere but mostly on my face, tummy and arms. 

I don't aspire to have a model-like body (pero kung pwede why not but I know it's not my body frame). A beautiful person should have the right amount of curves.

3. Intelligent mind. I am always in awe whenever I meet a person who thinks well. I always find them beautiful. I am no Einstein but I would like to think that I am smart and wise. There are different kinds of intelligence and I believe I have the average amount of all kinds. 

I am a bit curious. I ask questions. But I have always wished for a more intellectual mind. Yung tipong tumatop ng board. Hahahaha! Kidding! But yeah, this is is the one thing I have always wanted. Lagi kong iniisip, sana mas matalino pa ako. 

4. Kind heart. Nothing is more beautiful than a person with a kind heart. When you have such kind of heart, I believe it will show in your body. Gumaganda ka. Gumagwapo ka. And I believe a kind heart will most of the time equate to a happy heart. And happiness makes everyone beautiful! :)


I always wanted more for myself. It's human nature. If I go to the specifics of what I want to improve baka maging nobela na ito. But wanting something will not be yours until you work for it. Hindi pwedeng gusto lang. There should be the drive and the commitment to achieve what you want. 

Define it. Be specific. I always remember one of my professors in college when she told us about how she prays and asks to God. She told us to be specific... sabi niya kung gusto ninyo ng 100% sa exam ninyo sabihin ninyo sa Kanya. In that way, one would know what s/he really wants. When you know it, it will be much easier to plan on how to get it. 

I will be beautiful. I am working on it. I planned and I want it. ;)

An open letter

Dear Ben,

I know I have written so many letters (or I thought I have) and have sent you several text messages. I thought that was enough... Sadly it isn't. Especially now with our situation: WE FREAKING SIT IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER!

It isn't our fault. It isn't anybody's fault. That is how things should be. The big bosses cannot just rearrange everything just because we sit near each other. When we are together, we agreed that we'll get through it. We will deal with it professionally. Nobody can say anything bad about us or about the work we do. We said we'll prove to them work is work and play is play.

We got through it... together. How about now that we are over? 

TRAGIC.

Thank God for my 7-day break. I need a break from all the pretending that I do especially when I am in the office. Hindi ko na kaya ung nandiyan ka lang sa tapat ko at nadidinig kita. I really can't help it when I hear you laugh. I feel like everything is okay in your life ... that nothing happened. 

Hindi ko na rin kaya yung kapag tatayo ka, I have to put my head a little lower just so I can't see you. I admit, parang tanga lang ako. 

I rarely use my phone for music... but now you will see me most of the time with my earphones on and the loudest music possible just so I could not hear you. 

There were also a lot of times when our eyes would meet for. unknown reason and we will both look away. Soooo awkward. 

And the last and the best of them all? Kate, our very boss, has put us in one project together. GREAT. And that one day we had to present to her and the other bosses was just so uneasy for me. Ooops! How can I forget, when I returned the rosary you gave me... the rosary you told me has helped you a lot.. the rosary you gave me because I lost mine... I thought you'd message me about that when I saw a message notification from you. And then, what did I see? It was about you asking for our presentation. Terrific! 

From then on, I thought to myself... Work and work alone will be the only reason to talk to you again. Nothing more. 

That's how I have been since we broke up. I know you are not at your best too. But I know you'll be fine soon. I just hope that when that time comes and you have a new person in your life, I am happy already... because I do not think I can be happy for you when I am not... especially when you are the reason.

I still look at our photos often. I look at them every night. Cliche. Melodramatic. I know. But I just let myself because I have done so much pretending in the office. Perhaps, I could forgive myself for doing that when I am alone. 

I have been trying to convince myself that we have made a right decision. There are times that the logical person in me would rationalize that it's the best for our situation. But there are also times when I just miss you and think of this decision as one of my stupidest. There are several times that I want to send you a text message. But I have learned control. Maybe it is in this age and time that I have to depend less on my emotions because most of the time emotions bring me to nothing but pain. 

This open letter is a slip from my 7-day time away (from you). I have promised myself to be better. But that doesn't mean it would be perfect. It's difficult to let go, Ben. Ika nga, first love e. I was really sure then that we will be together for a long time. But I never thought my parents would be a factor. After all, they told me as long as I finish school and the guy I will be with is responsible and God-fearing then they are fine with it. 

Shit really happens. 

Anyway, just wanted you to know that I really want you to choose the other option... the option wherein we wouldn't be in this situation. But it's just fair that I made you choose because I know we are in a difficult situation and I do not want you to be affected by all of the crap my parents tell me about you. Siguro, napili mo rin yun kasi nahihirapan ka na at nakikita mong nahihirapan na ako. But always keep in mind na gusto kitang ipaglaban. It's just that, hindi ako ung type na nagrerebelde sa magulang. And I know you don't want me to be like that just because I have this relationship. I want to fight for you. But I know that whatever I say to them, they will just hear words from someone who hasn't proved anything yet. Ang tingin nila sakin, bata pa. Wala pang alam sa mundo. Sabi ko nga kay Tel, I will fight for you. But not now. It's not an option for us yet. And you know I tried, right? And it doesn't make things any better, either sa atin or sa magulang ko. Bottomline is, I believe in the love that we have to fight for it. But there are things that needs ironing out.

I don't know if we would still end up together. Daddy told me "Kung kayo talaga, magiging kayo...". Well, let us see what happens. We did our best. Let us see what time can do for us. 

I know in my heart I still love you. And what we had is not something I can just throw away. 

It's not easy. Never was. 

I miss you everyday. 

Love,
Krizia

7-day Vacation: Day 1

It's 12:34 am and I am onto my second day of my 7-day vacay! 

My leave is actually called "Mandatory Time Away" or MTA. It's a requirement of the company wherein they will check all your access, communications, etc. It's part of being transparent with work since I am in a bank. 

This 7-day time away is not really planned. I had no choice because I just transferred to another team last June and I didn't know that 2 of my teammates are getting married. So one is taking his MTA on October and one on November. Plus they have I think 5 additional marriage leaves. So that's 12 days total. We can't also take our MTAs on December as it is one of the most crucial month as it is nearing year-end. So what choice did I have? MTA on SEPTEMBER... which means no plans... AT ALL.

GREAT.

Well I had plans before... before when I still had a boyfriend. (Oh, let us not dwell into that too much here..) But yeah, that was what I had in mind. Set 2-3 days with him and the rest I spend with my family.

So I have 7 days... including weekends that would be 11 days! And no plans... 

*PANIC*

Usually I'd be happy just to stay at home and do nothing. But I didn't want that now... especially after a breakup. I have spent so many times alone and I want to spare myself from all the quiet time I have been having lately. For some reason, I want to go somewhere by myself... do something extraordinary.. but my mind is blank and my pocket is empty. So I ended up with the quiet time alone again.

Nevertheless, I promised myself to make it exciting without having spend too much money. Solution? Stay at home! Hahahaha! Free Food. Free Everything. But how do I get to the exciting part since I have covered the no-spending-too-much part? 

A few days before my MTA I have been mentally planning the things I can do. And I only thought of one thing... Be better. 

I heard someone say that when girls are burdened with so many problems they get prettier. Why? Because when they are sad, they go to salons, buy new clothes, etc. Well, those are some of the things I will do. 

There is no point of letting myself be miserable. So I decided to be happy... 

Happiness is actually a choice. But it's also okay to have down moments and let yourself be imperfect. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be mad. But never ever let these things take up on you. One can never be always happy or sad. So when you can be happy, be. Weigh things... weigh whether being happy or sad will make you better.

I am almost done with sad part. Now, I am choosing to be happy. HOW?

1. Exercise - I was never a fan of exercise. I always tell people "I-diet ninyo na lang ako, huwag niyo lang ako ipag-exercise". But I have to now. I lost 12 lbs in 2 months because of dieting and sickness. Now there is something wrong with my last sentence. It is never good to lose weight due to sickness. I'd rather lose it through diet AND EXERCISE. Also, I thought, it's about time to start exercising. I am not getting any younger and I do not want to regret things later on in life just because I am lazy and irresponsible with my body. 

I have been exercising religiously for about a month now. It's either I jog after work or do my personal workout for toning. A pretty good start for someone who hates exercise, I think. :) 

Kyro and I actually agreed on jogging today at 6 am. But it's already 1 am and I am still not sleeping. I might pass today but will definitely try on waking up tomorrow. After all, I am still adjusting with the normal time or normal people. Hahaha! Usually I sleep between 1-3 am. Depends on how intense my insomnia is acting up. So adjusting my body clock to the "normal" time for 7 days and bringing it back to my usual after will be one of the hardest part of this plan. So good luck! 

2. Diet - It doesn't mean it's my vacation I will eat all the food I can (again). No. No. Never. Okay, maybe once or twice enough. But I have to keep myself disciplined with food. Since Saturday of this week I have been eating a lot just because I haven't been home for a month and I was sick... still a bit sick as I write this blog. 

I should no longer have excuses! I'll continue my diet! Diet and being happy should not be two different things. My diet is actually more of moderation on food and choosing healthy food options. No crash diets. No more GM diet. No more starving-myself-to-death diet. My diet is a healthy and a happy one! 

3. Change hair - ...style? ...color? I really do not know. But I know I want to visit a salon soon! I haven't been to a salon since the start of the year because I am growing out my hair. And it's taking forever!!!! 

I also want to have a massage this week. But perhaps I will be saving it til next month since I have a GC at The Spa from my teammates! Whoppeeee! 

4. SHOP - I am in dire need of new clothes. I thought only clothes that are too small for me would piss me off. It's the same with clothes that are too big for you. Of course I do not want to look like a rapper with my baggy clothes! I always want a perfect fit for my clothes because I think I have a very complicated body type. Tall but my body is elongated  at my upper body part (meaning I do not have long legs), no boobs, big tummy, masculine arms and legs. So finding clothes that would fit me perfectly is a bit hard. What do I need to do? SHOP!!! But in sales! :) Two to four new items in my wardrobe would make me happy:)

5. CLEAN & ORGANIZE - Been neglecting my room for I don't know how long. When I get home from Manila, I just throw off my things and sleep then the next thing you know you wake to leave for Manila. I'd like to call my room a tambakan... tambakan ng mga bagay na hindi ko na masyadong ginagamit! You'd see clothes that aren't worn for ages... shoes na papasa na sa Rated K tsinelas capaign ni Korina... basura.. dagat ng basura. 

Well not so much because our helper cleans it during the weekend. But she doesn't throw anything because she's afraid I might still need them. Solution: I. NEED. TO. CLEAN. MY. ROOM. (Exercise!!!) ... (Allergies!!!)



So far that's what I have in mind. Hope I get to do them because for day 1 I practically just went lazy. Woke up at 11 am. Watched. Fix a bit of my room. Went home to Pampanga. Ate lechon manok, sisig and pansit bihon. No exercise. No diet. TAMAD. But will forgive myself as I finished work at 3 am that night. Hahahaha! 

But there should be no more excuses. I only got 10 more days! I do not want my vacation time wasted! It only comes once a year! So, I should probably sleeping now... as I will try to wake up for a morning jog. Yaaaaaaay! Cheers to a better me!!!! 

READY. SET. VACATION!!!!!

Opportunities

I remembered telling my best friend from high school to grab the opportunity when it presents to you. My best friend is the type of person who is shy and just lets things slide. This is the reason why I always tell her that.

I have always believed that good opportunities are rare and therefore should be taken. I still believe they are rare but I am no longer too sure about the second one. I am almost 22 and opportunities should be grabbed before it's too late. It is in this age that so many things are laid down for you and you just cannot seem to decide where to go. (Lucky for those who have made their decisions already. Bravo!)

Let us get the facts straight:
1. I have a degree in Financial Management
2. I am currently employed by Deutsche Knowledge Services (Deutsche Bank Group)
3. I am in my 15th month with the Bank wherein I am a part of the Gliabal Market Equities-Utilities team. (My team is the training ground for fresh graduates)
4. On June 6 or June 15, I will be redeployed to Global Market Equites- Global Equity Derivatives.


These are so far the facts related to my current work. But there are other things that are between those facts. What are they? Other opportunities.

Don't get me wrong. I love my work. Though I am not yet quite sure about how I would be handling work once I get redeployed. But so far, so good. It is just that when opportunities are there you cannot help but reassess what you really want to do in life. My boss once told us, "you spent most of your time at work so if you don't love what you are doing then what the hell are you doing here?". I agree with her. And it is not like school that you do not have the choice. With work, one can choose where s/he can stay.

So what are these opportunities?

1. Culinary School

I know to myself that I can cook and I always find joy in it. I used to play lutu-lutuan at age 5 with sands and rocks as my main ingredients and leaves and flowers as my veggies and garnishes! My love for cooking really started when I was 7. I went with my mom to the market then we'll cook our Sunday lunch. It was my first time to hold a knife and slice, dice and chop; to pour oil into the pan; to learn which ingredient to put first, etc. My first time of course it didn't make sense to me but I know that I was happy doing it.

And now 15 years later, I feel the same passion only now there is this wanting to make it as a career because I believe that it is something I am good at.

My mom asked me when I was in college about me not taking up culinary instead. I told her that I wanted to take an academic course because I feel that what I learned in high school would just be wasted if I pursue culinary right away. But even when I was taking up finance, I still wanted to take culinary. I remembered then that I'd be jealous of students wearing their chef's uniform. I did manage myself to get into a chef's uniform when I interned for Marciano's restaurant. And I was hoping the next time I would get to wear something like that is when I get myself into a culinary school.

Dreams do come true.

I have been looking for affordable culinary schools ever since I started working for DKS because I thought then that I could juggle work and school at the same time. But finding an affordable yet prestigious culinary school is hard to find. I was thinking of applying for scholarship but I don't think there are any for the schools I really wanted. Then come early 2nd quarter of 2012 I was looking for culinary schools again and my mom was recommending me a school. I looked it up and checked on the program. I was very interested and it didn't cost to much. Classes will run for 8 months every saturday. Mommy agreed to my plan and I will be checking the school itself sometime next week! EXCITED!!!!

2. London school

My aunt has been encouraging me to take up my masteral in London. I was very interested because I have been wanting to go out of the country and stay there for a long time. I have also checked the school and I have already chosen the course (finance focused on investment banking). I already have all the application for that school but my dad asked me if it is what I really want. He gave hints for weeks that he didn't want me to leave the country. So I have to evalute. I know for a fact that living away from home wouldn't be a problem, it's school I am afraid I won't be able to survive because it will be totally different from what I am used to in the Philippines.

So for that I would have to say no to this wonderful opportunity. Maybe next time.

3. Airline career

Some people say that I can be a flight stewardess because of my height. Then I thought, "yeah why not?!". It pays good and you get to fly!

I was really interested. In fact, I have sent in my resumes to 2 airline companies. But unfortunately, no calls received from them. I was still hopeful. And my hopes got higher when I read that there will be an open recruitment in Manila hotel this June. It made me then think. I was too excited. I got to the point of planning my week because it was a 5-day event if you get into the first few screenings. But then I had to consider a lot of things: my work and my plan of going back to school.

I really wanted to go because the last time I had this opportunity of applying,it was held in Cebu. I even remembered my mom was willing to fly with me to Cebu. Now that it is just in Manila, I didn't tell my mom. Baka mas maexcite pa siya sakin.

This job isn't something you would want for the rest of your life. For me, it only meant that grabbing this opportunity would lead me to more opportunities.

I wanted to know what my chances are in this job. But I had to say no to this one because saying yes to this means giving up my job (granted that I get in) and postponing my culinary school. dreams.


4. Modeling

Yes you read it right! Mowdeling. I know I don't have the body but somebody is interested in making me a model. He said I have the height and the face! Hahahaha! He is my officemate.

He's gay and he told me that he has plans of opening a modeling agency together with his partner. He has already a lot of experience with this career and he opened up my eyes to it.

I was never a fan of anything related to media or glamming up. But I do enjoy a little attention once in a while. Don't you sometimes wish of being a star?

Well, I do.

My officemate told me that he has noticed me before and wanted to asked me. But he said that he felt that I don't want it and I was fat! Ouch! He cleared though that I am fat to be a model. Whew!

He told me that there are a lot of models now that weren't so pretty and skinny before. But they went on having rigorous diets and exercise and so they are skinny as hell! And for the beauty department? Make up and science took care of that. My point is that if I make myself thinner he told me he'll be taking me in.

I told him I am interested but I am not quite sure If I will get that model body. I said I am already on a diet and hopefully I will be able to lose some weight then eventually lose some more weight! Hahaha!

What is good with this opportunity is that it is a win-win situation. If I don't get as skinny as they wanted me to be at least I got myself thinner.

So this one is on hold!






The lesson of this blog entry?

Two things:

1. Not all things you used to believe is something you'll still believe in the future. Sometimes you have to unlearn or relearn things so you may take in more.

2. Not all opportunities are worth grabbing. Lay them down and pick. Always evaluate. Always weigh the pros and cons. Don't be selfish. Some people actually may deserve the opportunity being offered to you more.
But if you then decide to grab one, be consistent and passionate about it. Hold it and make something out of it. Always make sure that it makes you a better person and not the other way around.



Good luck to everyone!