Changes and Expectations

I am definitely fucked up. 

Friday night, I decided to not go home for the weekend. I didn't have plans. No volleyball game. No lunch or dinner out. No date. A big ass NOTHING. I am like in a coma that I cannot get up in bed. The only difference I guess is that I can eat a lot and I cry at times.

I have talked to friends about this situation and here are the reasons why they think I am going through this:

1. I am bored. Staying home and doing nothing makes me sick because I have traveled twice in the last two months for pleasure and for work.. both in long duration.

2. I am dealing with a big change. New team. New shift. Do the math.

3. I am pressured. With the promotion and with the new team and the expectation that lies within them is too much for me to handle. 

I guess they are all right. But what goes into my mind is something I cannot really put into words. But I am trying to just so I can be better. It will be Monday tomorrow and I have to be. 

I do believe that the main reason why I feel shit is that I believe I have lost the reason why I chose to stay with my current company for a little over two years now. I didn't stay because I am passionate about what I do. I understand it. I study it. But I don't think it's really for me. I stayed because of the people. It is what has been driving me to do and be better. I have always mentioned that with my catch ups with my bosses - that I have always believed in people harmoniously working together to achieve one goal. But of course it isn't eutopia, there will always be misunderstandings and conflicts within a team. But a good team, can and will always be able to overcome it. 

Given that I am currently transitioning in a new role, it also means that I would have to leave something behind - Frankfurt Team. The migration project to India is almost over and we will soon be officially assuming new roles with our different teams. It saddens me in so many ways. The Frankfurt processes has only sat in Manila for only a year but definitely the team has done so much in terms of improvements. Strong client focused and relationship were further established, thereby leading to trust given to us by our stakeholders, most especially our first and foremost clients, the traders.  Several efficiency were implemented such as submission of the PL to t+1 from t+2 without having to change the deadlines of the inputs but  rather by streamlining our processes. More than anything else, the team is the truest definition of collaboration and camaraderie. We have our differences but we never let those get through to us especially in achieving our goals. 

Having laid out what I am leaving behind is now the pressure on my new role. I have been told by one of my bosses that I am placed in the new team because its members having a low morale. The team is stable process -wise. But in terms of relationships, there are a lot of things that needs improvement. THAT IS SO MUCH PRESSURE FOR ME. Aside from the fact that I have to learn new products as it is different from what I handled in my previous role, I also have to handle people who don't really like each other. Now how is that? 

I am a bit worried that instead of bringing them into high spirits just like what we have in Frankfurt team, I might just bring them further down. Why? Probably because of what my trainer has been telling me about the team. From the few days I have had the chance of working with them, I can see that they don't really work well together. Or was I just expecting too much or comparing it to what we usually had in my old team? 

To be honest, I am not really too enthusiastic about going to work. I just hope it's just about the new shift I am still adjusting to. But if not, I may have to rethink about staying in the company. But one think I can promise to myself: I will try my utmost best to do what is expected of me.